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[SC lady]

VETERINARIAN BLUES
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50…but with the lab work and the cat scan..."

[khix]

Christian Computer Humor

JESUS and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly GOD was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, GOD said, 'THAT'S IT' !!!  I have had enough. I am going to set up a  test that  will run for two hours, and from those results, I will  judge who does the better job'

So Satan and JESUS sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They  e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded. 
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
JESUS worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. JESUS just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, JESUS quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
GOD  just shrugged and said,




'JESUS SAVES'  !!!

[khix]

Got this in an email:

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that
this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the
donkey of a preacher).

The only way to make the donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"  The only
way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"  The man was
pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try 
out the preacher's instructions.  "Hallelujah!" shouted the man.  The 
donkey began to trot.  "Amen!" shouted the man.  The donkey stopped 
immediately.  "This is great!" said the man.   With a "Hallelujah" he 
rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains.  As he headed
towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the
donkey stop.  "Stop," said the man.  "Halt!" he cried.  The donkey just 
kept going.   "Oh, no..."   "Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted 
the man.  The donkey just began to trot faster.  He was getting 
closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer:  "Please,dear Lord.
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this
mountain.  In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of 
the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[khix]

Here's another one:

IT DOESN'T  HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR 
ONCE IN A  WHILE.... 

Q. What kind of man  was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A.  Ruthless.



Q. What do they call  pastors in Germany ?
A.  German Shepherds.


 
Q. Who was  the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. 


 
 
Q. Who was  the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a  little prophet.


 
 
Q. What  kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was  heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were  all in one Accord.


 
 
Q.. Who was  the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson. He brought the house down.


 
 
   
Q. What  excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ? 
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.


 
 
 
Q. Which  area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing. 


 
Q. Who is  the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. 


 
Q. Which  Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.


 
   
Q. Why  didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A.  Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)

[SC lady]

ROTFL Khix!
The donkey story reminded me of this one about a mule.

A farmer placed an advertisement in the newspaper

MULE FOR SALE $50
Perfectly trained to voice commands.
Even tempered and obedient.

A man called about the ad and questioned the farmer.
"Is he really that well trained?"
"Oh SURE," came the reply. "You couldn't ask for a better mule."
"If you don't mind, I'd like to come by and see you work with him," the prospective owner suggested.
"Not a problem. Come any time," answered the farmer.

That afternoon, the man found his way to the farm.
After introductions, the farmer invited him out to the barn and led the mule from the barn into the corral.

"I'd like to see his response to some of your voice commands," the man said.

"Just a moment," the farmer said and went to pick up a 2 x 4.
He walked over to the mule and began to whack the mule in the head with the board.

"WAIT WHOA! STOP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Shouted the distressed man, grabbing the board from the farmer.
"I thought you said he responded to voice commands?!!"

The farmer shrugged and replied, "Well, he DOES, but you have to get his attention first."

[txseawater]

  I know a man named Pearl who says that "If you can train a mule, you can train a child!"
BTW and IMO, there's only one letter difference between MULE and MALE.

I beat our dog with a fencepost one time for killing kittens. Logan ran off to the stock tank and sat in the shallow water sulking for hours, and he wouldn't look at me straight on, but he never killed another kitten after that! I never beat our little dog Millie for tearing up skunks in the middle of the night on her hunting adventures. I figured, she got to enjoy her own self inflicted punishment for her deeds. You'd think she would have learned on the first one! Many years later and I am still finding skunk bones in the yard!

[CountyCork]

We love our Yellow Lab and she's a great dog.  We owned a black before her.  And the rule is with Labs, even though they're smart, they can be really stupid.

When they disobey, first you have to whop them upside the head, then once you have their attention you can whop them upside the head!

[floydian]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
       
      The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
       
      The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
       
      Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
       
      The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
       
      The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
       
      The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
       
      The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
       
      The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
       
      The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
       
      The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
       
      But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[floydian]

Another...

Disclaimer--This is NOT a commentary about WTM or 7XSunday.  I just thought it was funny.

 How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb.
       
      1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
       
      14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
       
      7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
       
      18 to flame the spell checkers.
       
      2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term for "light bulb" is "lamp".
       
      15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
       
      5 to email others that the light bulb posters are in violation of the list etiquette.
       
      10 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb list.
       
      12 to demand that cross posting to the hardware list, off-topic list, and light bulb list about changing light bulbs be stopped.
       
      17 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this list.
       
      25 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, which brands are faulty, and URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
       
      14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
       
      33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
       
      4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQs.
       
      13 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
       
      19 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
       
      27 to complain that "we've already discussed light bulbs."
       
      42 to post "if you don't want to read it, skip it."
       
      12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
       
      1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now so it will start all over again.

[Pennie]

Another...

Disclaimer--This is NOT a commentary about WTM or 7XSunday.  I just thought it was funny.

 How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb.
       
      1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
       
      14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
       
      7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
       
      18 to flame the spell checkers.
       
      2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term for "light bulb" is "lamp".
       
      15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
       
      5 to email others that the light bulb posters are in violation of the list etiquette.
       
      10 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb list.
       
      12 to demand that cross posting to the hardware list, off-topic list, and light bulb list about changing light bulbs be stopped.
       
      17 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this list.
       
      25 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, which brands are faulty, and URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
       
      14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
       
      33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
       
      4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQs.
       
      13 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
       
      19 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
       
      27 to complain that "we've already discussed light bulbs."
       
      42 to post "if you don't want to read it, skip it."
       
      12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
       
      1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now so it will start all over again.

Are you sure about that disclaimer?   

[khix]

Another...

Disclaimer--This is NOT a commentary about WTM or 7XSunday.  I just thought it was funny.

 How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb.
       
      1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
       
      14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
       
      7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
       
      18 to flame the spell checkers.
       
      2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term for "light bulb" is "lamp".
       
      15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
       
      5 to email others that the light bulb posters are in violation of the list etiquette.
       
      10 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb list.
       
      12 to demand that cross posting to the hardware list, off-topic list, and light bulb list about changing light bulbs be stopped.
       
      17 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this list.
       
      25 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, which brands are faulty, and URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
       
      14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
       
      33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
       
      4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQs.
       
      13 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
       
      19 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
       
      27 to complain that "we've already discussed light bulbs."
       
      42 to post "if you don't want to read it, skip it."
       
      12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
       
      1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now so it will start all over again.

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

ROTFL!!!            

Speaking of light bulbs, there is one out in my kitchen.  How many people do you think it will take to change it?  How long will it take to change it?  What kind of bulb should I use?  Is it even healthy to use lightbulbs?  Should we just live in the dark?  Should I change it immediately, or should I wait and pray about it first?  Maybe I should ask my husband about it?  I did a search on light bulbs, and couldn't find a thread about it, so I hope it's ok if I post about it here.  Oh, shoot, I forgot to do a google search!

          

[khix]

     
      But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Ooooooh, that is sooooooo not right!!  But, it IS funny!!!!   

[floydian]

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

ROTFL!!!            

Speaking of light bulbs, there is one out in my kitchen.  How many people do you think it will take to change it?  How long will it take to change it?  What kind of bulb should I use?  Is it even healthy to use lightbulbs?  Should we just live in the dark?  Should I change it immediately, or should I wait and pray about it first?  Maybe I should ask my husband about it?  I did a search on light bulbs, and couldn't find a thread about it, so I hope it's ok if I post about it here.  Oh, shoot, I forgot to do a google search!

          

ROFL!!!!!

[healthyinOhio]

Hope nobody is offended by this, but my children got it and thought it was funny:

Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers.  Finally God suggested they settle it:  Each would spend two hours using spreadsheets, designing web pages, making charts and tables-everything they knew how to do.
The two sat down at their keyboards and began typing furiously.  Just before the two hours were up, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.  Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.
"It's all gone!  It's all gone!" Satan began to scream.  "My work was destroyed!"  Meanwhile, Jesus began quietly printing out his work.  "Hey, he must have cheated" Satan yelled.  "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"  God shrugged and said simply, "Jesus Saves".

[lovetoreadmom]

Not offended at all.  Very cute!   

[khix]

Hope nobody is offended by this, but my children got it and thought it was funny:

Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers.  Finally God suggested they settle it:  Each would spend two hours using spreadsheets, designing web pages, making charts and tables-everything they knew how to do.
The two sat down at their keyboards and began typing furiously.  Just before the two hours were up, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.  Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.
"It's all gone!  It's all gone!" Satan began to scream.  "My work was destroyed!"  Meanwhile, Jesus began quietly printing out his work.  "Hey, he must have cheated" Satan yelled.  "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"  God shrugged and said simply, "Jesus Saves".

Ummmm, check out reply #31.   

[CountyCork]

Uh oh, HIO did a repeat!  Way to catch her, Khix.  That's a funny in itself.  Made me laugh, anyway 

[healthyinOhio]

Uh oh, HIO did a repeat!  Way to catch her, Khix.  That's a funny in itself.  Made me laugh, anyway 

Ah, didn't even notice that!  Well, at least I know nobody was offended by it! 

[txseawater]

My oldest son was in an auto accident today really wrecking the passenger side door of an oncoming car and the front of the "pristine" little Nissan truck that a brother in Christ just gave him. Thank God, THANK GOD!! everyone is alright.  In the midst of tears and talks, and a return to just look at the mangled truck in the driveway, he says to me, "What do you think Mom? ... some duct tape?"    Sorry if off topic SC  I think our brand of humor is  - real life...

[khix]

he says to me, "What do you think Mom? ... some duct tape?"   

Hey, if it works for Red Green......   

[Siege]

Haha! Red Green! But does it ever truely work for him?  CJ

[khix]

Haha! Red Green! But does it ever truely work for him?  CJ

But, doesn't it work?  I mean, Red Green is the trusted name in home improvement & car repair, right?  Surely if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of us!  We've been using his ideas & gleaning from his wisdom for years now.   

Hmmmm, now that I think about it, I guess that explains why our "repairs" always need fixin'!

Man, you just can't trust anyone anymore, can you?!  That's it - I'm giving up & moving to a cave!  I've lost all hope! 

<tic>

    

[BJ_BOBBI_JO]

Now yall just stop it right away!    I will not stand for the bashing of the ultimate red neck king- Red Green.

I had to recently fix my broom with some good Ole duct take Red Green style. The broom part fell off of the broom stick and would not stay on until I attacked it with duct tape and now it stays on and still sweeps. So ya see the power of duct tape is amazing.

But wait that's not all!

In addiction to the amazing power of duct tape you can also buy it fairly cheap now a days at the dollar stores!

But wait there is even more!

You can also get duct tape in a variety of cool colors now to amaze your friends with.


just being silly 

[khix]

Now yall just stop it right away!    I will not stand for the bashing of the ultimate red neck king- Red Green.

I had to recently fix my broom with some good Ole duct take Red Green style. The broom part fell off of the broom stick and would not stay on until I attacked it with duct tape and now it stays on and still sweeps. So ya see the power of duct tape is amazing.

But wait that's not all!

In addiction to the amazing power of duct tape you can also buy it fairly cheap now a days at the dollar stores!

But wait there is even more!

You can also get duct tape in a variety of cool colors now to amaze your friends with.

Oh, good, thank you, BJ!  I'm so relieved!  You've restored my faith in man & in his willingness to tell the truth & help others out.  I can come out of my cave now & start watching Red Green again! 

      

(Come to think of it, we do have a few things where the duct tape really did work!)

[txseawater]

Sooo... as life goes on, ( Red Green would love us!) the boys bought an old farm truck for the feed store. Big old huge flat bed thing that will haul round bales, and tons of feed, and pallets of rock, and dirt, etc... Their dad just got finished with fixing something on the engine and the muffler, when off we go to unload a pile of sand and a pallet of flagstone for a landscaping job the family is to do. The 16 yr old  seemed reluctant to go and was suggesting that the cab was too small for 4 people. His father answered him, "Well, you can stay home in the A/C while we do all the work I suppose. " So with roosters and chickens all loaded for a delivery prior to the landscaping job, the young man made the proper decision and jumped in the truck with his father, mother, and brother. We all fit if we are hip to hip!... And grandma needed a visit from the little man! Not far out of the forest subdivision where we live, and out on the main road, the master mechanic realizes that his hunch was right and that the clutch in fact has gone out on that old truck. Since the young man's investment is moving at a snail's pace, his already droopy countenance takes on concern and dread. I was sweating there, feeling amazed at how much time it took to turn the truck around and get back home.  Close to home and after so much silence except for the roar of the old engine, I felt the dumb urge to try to say something positive. "Well, your Dad is sure making memories with his sons!"  Teen says, "I don't think I need these kind of memories, Mom. If these  are the kind of memories...it hurts my memory glands! "  We all cracked up laughing as we rolled back into the driveway.  Teen says, " Maybe God doesn't want us starting that landscaping job today."       

[denim&lace]

Know where to find a dog with no legs? 


Wherever you left him!


(my daughters contribution)

[denim&lace]

So, we do a 'question of the day' in our homeschool most days, just to get my kids to thinking (and writing).  Today's question of the day was, "If you could visit any place in the world that you've never been to, where would you go?  Why would you go there?



Spuds answer.



1. The seven seas.

2. To see what I could see. 



  Little corn ball!

[txseawater]

I would go to the islands in a sailboat...and later I'd dream of the mountains. Or I'd go to the mountains and while building a cabin, I'd dream of the islands...  So I should be content  - I'm in-between.

[floydian]

This isn't a joke, but it's cute.

My husband enjoys reading Shakespeare with our kids.  Right now he is reading and explaining Henry V and then we and our kids act it out.

Well, the other night we had an audience.  Two racoons had their noses to the window watching us.

Who knew racoons like Shakespeare?  Then again we live in the city, and they don't allow racoons in the theater here, so these city racoons have to get their culture somehow!!!

[lovetoreadmom]

This isn't a joke, but it's cute.

My husband enjoys reading Shakespeare with our kids.  Right now he is reading and explaining Henry V and then we and our kids act it out.

Well, the other night we had an audience.  Two racoons had their noses to the window watching us.

Who knew racoons like Shakespeare?  Then again we live in the city, and they don't allow racoons in the theater here, so these city racoons have to get their culture somehow!!!

That's funny!!     Can you imagine what they were saying in their own "raccoon speak?" 

Raccoon 1:  "Lookest thou through yonder window.  What makest thou of this?"

Raccoon 2:  "Ah, yes.  Canst thou find any better enjoyment in yonder woods and trees?"

Wish you could have gotten a picture!!

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