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[GarlicMomma]

Dear Everyone!

Our family has been homeschooling since the beginning of our childrens' school years. My oldest son is now in 9th grade, my middle son is in 6th, and there is a toddler girl. Over the years we have done a variety of things for homeschooling. But the truth of the matter is that I was resisting my hubby.

You see, I was all out for the "un-schooling" side of home schooling. So we did the book work and all, but I was disrespecting my husband. I loved doing field trips and projects of all sorts. So, I in turn have caused disrespect to breed in my children and their attitude towards schooling.

Only lately, have I seen the damage that I have done to my family. Just like the foolish woman pulling down her own house found in Scripture. Respecting your husband means so much more than trying to show him the "light".

My husband feels that the children should be taught in a more traditional way in our home school. Only now have I surrended myself to follow what he wants me to do. But here lies the problem.

I have raised up my children with no real respect or feeling of need or urgency towards schooling. And only lately have they started seeing their mother respecting her husband.

So, that brings me to this. How do I instill the urgency and need to buckle down to school work and focusing on the task at hand. With a toddler, regular household chores, and running a small Christian retreat, I cannot stay on top of them. If I am busy with something else (dirty diaper, cleaning a cabin, laundry, guest), school seems to fall apart. And checking school work consumes a large amount of time.

And, this may seem odd, but I have been unable to find a punishment that really makes a difference. They are now bigger than myself in size, do not care if we take something away, and no close friends to withhold. No incentive seems to work either. They do not care. Really.

My husband stays very busy with his job and is gone long hours. I use to bother him about taking a more active part with home schooling, but was disrespecting him in that way too. I will no longer overload him with my ramblings, nagging, and complainings. So please do not suggest that I turn the schooling situation over to him. He wants me to take care of it and has told me so.

I am looking for ideas that do not bog one down, but will lift our family up.

[Sunshine06]

I have no advice from the perspective of the parent, but I was homeschooled up until high school, as was my younger brother (he was actually through soph year of HS). We always had a routine of traditional work in the mornings before we were allowed to do any other projects or have free time. I enjoyed the work, so I didn't have any trouble getting it done, but my brother would dawdle and daydream unless he had something later in the day to look forward to and work towards. If your kids are used to and enjoy the outdoors, hands-on stuff, would there be a way to use that as a "reward" for finishing their bookwork (and not be allowed to do that until it's done)? If they know that there is a project or play time waiting for them once they finish their required work, they may be more motivated.

My mom would also have our work planned out a few weeks or months in advance and we were always able to see what we had to do for each day. It helped to be able to check things off and feel like we're accomplishing something and to know how much more we needed to do. Maybe if their work for each day is specifically listed, they will feel a sense of accomplishment as their completing each subject and stay motivated to complete the day's work. 

The only other suggestion I have is to involve them in your work. I couldnt tell from what you wrote if you do this or not, but give them daily chores and work together as a family to get them done. Have a regular chore time, then schoolwork time, then free time - keep it organized and routine so that they know when each will end and will know exactly what they need to accomplish in a given day or time period. And to encourage respect for their father, work together doing something that would help him and lessen his workload - if he usually mows the lawn, take time as a family to do the yardwork for him, making it fun and all for dad.

Like I said, I haven't done any of these things myself; these are just observations from my childhood. My mom was always very organized and encouraged lots of play, projects and experiments but not until the book work was done. They will feed off of your attitude (as you've come to realize) and be excited about things that you are excited about or make exciting.  I hope you find some good suggestions to help you out.

[GarlicMomma]

Yes, we do work together. But there is still work left over that needs to be done while school work needs to be done. Also some of the Retreat work has to be done by an adult. Or the toddler needs to be watched inside while a weed eater and a lawn mower our out doing their jobs.

I have tried to implement some of what you have said in the past in terms of organization, but it does not last for long. For example, we will literally have people show up at our door needing assistance (we are a donation only based Christian retreat). Then you have to drop everything. I may need their help, then again, I may not. Or dear hubby wants everyone to watch a movie with him at night. The children do not wake up decently the next morning.

Thanks for your insight.

[miff aka Missi]

Yes, we do work together. But there is still work left over that needs to be done while school work needs to be done. Also some of the Retreat work has to be done by an adult. Or the toddler needs to be watched inside while a weed eater and a lawn mower our out doing their jobs.

I have tried to implement some of what you have said in the past in terms of organization, but it does not last for long. For example, we will literally have people show up at our door needing assistance (we are a donation only based Christian retreat). Then you have to drop everything. I may need their help, then again, I may not. Or dear hubby wants everyone to watch a movie with him at night. The children do not wake up decently the next morning.

Thanks for your insight.

GarlicMomma,
I'm wondering a few things.  #1 You said your husband is away for long hours.  Is the retreat something he is involved in also?  #2 Is this retreat something that he wants to continue?  #3 Does he approve of you homeschooling?  If so, does he just want you to do it differently? 

Answers to these questions may give a little more insight to your situation.  And may help someone come up with an answer for you.   

Missi 

[GarlicMomma]

Yes, my husband is the one who brought us here.

And he works very hard here on the Retreat too.

Yes, he wants to stay.  Ok sometimes, no. But that passes.

And yes, he gives approval for homeschooling.

And he is pleased with me. (Oh, to be worthy of such an understanding and hard working husband!!!)

I would and am schooling the children with what he approves of, but my heart, in past years, was not into the "traditional book" route. Hence, all the side items. I was half hearted into what he wanted.

I would looking longingly at people who would spend their days teaching their children by projects, home businesses, etc. Even wishing someone would just show the "light" to my husband so he would see how wonderful it would be.

I have and am learning, respecting and honoring your husband is much more important.

Yes, I have the child training books from the Pearls. My husband agrees with only some of it. Us women can easily idolize a family such as this. I wish Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn were prerequsites for women before reading the child training books. We can get so easily carried away.

But I have learned that was disrespectful in wanting to do what the other "perfect" families were doing. I was doing what was needed, but my heart was not in it. So my children in turn do not see how blessed they are with their daddy wanting them to learn the traditional way.

My heart has changed. I see the need to respect my husband, but after I have already torn down my house. And I want to repair the damage. I am now wanting to whole hearted-ly follow what my husband wants for his children.

Hope this makes better sense.

[miff aka Missi]

GarlicMomma,
I must have misread your first post.  I just read it again.  I was thinking that you were un-schooling and now had switched to traditional.  I can see now that you haven't switched your schooling method, just your attitude.  Which is great!    You are on the right track.

You are not the only woman to have the wrong attitude and see it years later.  Someone will have some suggestions for you.  As for me, I will have to pray about it, because I don't have anything solid to give out right now.  I do know that your change of heart, attitude, and outlook are the beginning to doing right.  I am very happy for you!  Whatever advice you take, just remember that it will take a while to sink in after years of doing things another way.

God bless,                Missi

[Clementine]

You are definitely on the right path.    What I would suggest to improve your formal schooling would be to organize your day as much as possible, setting aside a specific time for your sons to do "book work".  Then, if you have discipline problems such as them not wanting to cooperate with their work, turn it over to your husband.  He doesn't have to participate in the direct schooling, but hopefully will be willing to step in with the discipline. Above all else, pray.  I will be praying for you also.   

[mexmarr]

An idea to keep your older boys motivated, is to, each morning give them a list of school work (a reasonable amount) and tell them that they are welcome to have lunch IF they are done.  It probably wouldn't take more than one or two missed meals, and they will likely be more motivated.  Of course, you would need to be flexible when things came up, but for the most part, consistency would be a key in this working. 

I had some yopunger brothers who could spend 2 hours doing the first half of a page of math, only to do the last half in 15 min so they could get lunch.  It worked for them. 

[mexmarr]

Have you considered telling your kids the truth about your mistakes? 

Great suggestion!  It could do wonders, maybe even help get to the root of the problem, instead of just fixing the symptoms.

[miff aka Missi]

Have you considered telling your kids the truth about your mistakes? 

Great suggestion!  It could do wonders, maybe even help get to the root of the problem, instead of just fixing the symptoms.

WOW !!  Definitely good advice!  In times past I have had opportunity (many) to tell my son I was wrong.  I think he already knew it, but it was different hearing it from me.   

[dara]

I think helping the kids think ahead about their own futures can help motivate them to buckle down to their work. I was homeschooled and had the same attitude (I didn't care much), but I think if my parents would have taken the time to explain to me WHY I needed to do my work, and how it would affect my future (I wish they'd've encouraged me to go to college, but that's a sidenote) I would've taken things more seriously.

[GarlicMomma]

I have talked to the children about my mistakes. And we talk and show them the consequences of a future by their current actions.

The catch word they use is: "Whatever".

[dara]

My parents tried to outlaw that word.

There may be only so much you can do anymore. I was homeschooled with no family schedule etc., and I struggle deeply to this day to be disciplined about anything. I'd probably just drop key phrases (sweetly) to remind them sometimes. The strength of character they form now will be with them the rest of their lives. And someday when it comes time to find a spouse, they can be sure the kind of strong pure character they are looking for will be looking for the same thing. Like attracts like. If you want a good one, you have to be a good one. Having a regular schedule yourself for you and the toddler will be the best example, and perhaps the only way to show them the way now. External pressure may help- a piano teacher, a math tutor, an attracts opportunity, a job... anyway. I don't know if you are encouraging them to consider college, but that would be a very tangible goal. Trade school is a consideration too. Anyway, just some thoughts from another mom trying to teach something I haven't figured out either.

[GarlicMomma]

Actually the oldest does want to go to college and already has a couple in mind. But he just doesn't seem to "get it".

[GarlicMomma]

The idea for the long range goals sounds like it would help. Kind of like a syllabus. So if they want to get ahead they can. I am going to buckle down and work on it.

I think I have focused too much on the here and now work, that I have not given them a long range goal in mind.

[mexmarr]

This is a great idea.  When I started high school, my dad wrote out all my requirements for the next for years of school.  He gave them to me and said, when you finish everything for the first year, you can start the next.  When you are done with all four, you graduate.  The time frame was up to me. 

At the time I planned on doing it all in 3 years but it took 4 1/2.  But we were missionarries, and I worked 3 days a week in a christian school in Mexico all four years, and did a bunch of other stuff.  ON the days offs, I would sometimes work on school 12 hours.  Why?  Not because my parents made be, but because I was motivated.  I knew what I had to do to graduate, and I wanted to get it done. 

I highly recommend that a home-schooled high schooler know exactly what they have to get done to graduate (at least by 10-11th grade). Otherwise, they will likely feel like if they got out of work one day, it is less work they have to do.  When I didn't work one day, I knew that was one day longer till I could graduate. 

This is just my 2 cents, but it sure made a world of difference for me!

[Grace]

This is a great idea.  When I started high school, my dad wrote out all my requirements for the next for years of school.  He gave them to me and said, when you finish everything for the first year, you can start the next.  When you are done with all four, you graduate.  The time frame was up to me.  

I highly recommend that a home-schooled high schooler know exactly what they have to get done to graduate (at least by 10-11th grade). Otherwise, they will likely feel like if they got out of work one day, it is less work they have to do.

My mom sort of did this, at least tried for me. I think it is a great idea. Who wants to "just put in time"? If you have a point to end at, there is a reason to work!

[Ella]

This is a great idea.  When I started high school, my dad wrote out all my requirements for the next for years of school.  He gave them to me and said, when you finish everything for the first year, you can start the next.  When you are done with all four, you graduate.  The time frame was up to me.  

I highly recommend that a home-schooled high schooler know exactly what they have to get done to graduate (at least by 10-11th grade). Otherwise, they will likely feel like if they got out of work one day, it is less work they have to do.

My mom sort of did this, at least tried for me. I think it is a great idea. Who wants to "just put in time"? If you have a point to end at, there is a reason to work!

I agree!
Also especially with older children letting them help plan out what they need to learn is motivating. Then it's more intrest/goal oriented. Works for me
Maria

[dara]

I like mexmar's dad's idea! That was great! I had a similar motivation in 12th grade because I wanted a Penn. certified homeschool diploma, and had to have good transcripts. It would've been so much better to have started toward those same goals much sooner... but it was still really good for me. I think we'll do that (someday).

[mexmarr]

Let me add that when my dad wrote out our assignments, he did let us have some say.  Sometimes he would list two projects, and we would get to pick one.    He had a list of various optional subjects, and we got to pick one for each year.  Once we picked, it was written done, and became an obligatory part of our schooling.  (He did allow my brother to switch math subject one year when accounting proved to be too hard, and not in his interest, but he had to start at the beginning of an approved math subject.)

[GarlicMomma]

I have begun working on a syllabus for the rest of the year. I believe it will be a help. For starters it will stop them asking, what needs to be done next, or what do I have to get done to do such and such, like hunting.

[GarlicMomma]

I wanted to update this post.  After what the original post stated, my husband felt called to stay home full-time. He took over the schooling of the oldest two. It was an eye-opener for the whole family.

Now, years later, we are off the retreat, moved a couple of times, and back to the traditional homeschooling situation (dad- job, mom -home, children - home schooling). My husband is now much more involved in the schooling of the children. I am so thankful for him and the work that he does.

The whole situation and the time from then until now has been a learning time for all of us.  Things are not "perfect", but doing very well.

[sohnnenstrahl]

Hey, thanks, GarlicMomma, for the happy update! It's nice to know that we won't keel over if we ever do a studies-separated-out-from-the-rest-of-life kind of schedule. I appreciated your openness about the wrong path you had been traveling, and that you switched to the wise way.

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