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[surrendermom23]

It's been a long time since I have logged in here and posted. A lot has changed. Unfortunately, as of 12/08 My husband and I are divorced. A lot has transpired leading up to this legality. In October of 06, I discovered my husband had been unfaithful. He disappeared for 3 days before he was sentenced to a 3yr term in prison. I tried to be supportive and remain faithful, but I couldn't let it go. Every time i looked at him or spoke to him I  became nauseous. I shuddered at his touch and avoided eye contact. He was also abusive to me before he left. In prison he promised me he had changed and I wanted to believe him, but he was released in nov of 08 and nothing changed! He was just as mean and had a horrible tongue. I also have severe post traumatic stress from our relationship and I am afraid for my daughter to grow up with a man like him in the house. I have read help meet 5 times and whole-heartily agree with debi. But, I can seem to let go of the past and accept him back in my life. Would this even be the right thing to do? I just want to be a Godly woman and do right in His eyes. Am I  supposed to sacrifice mine and my daughters happiness? Please I need some godly wisdom. My family and friends do not want me to go back but he does. Please refer to any of my previous posts for backround info before making harsh judgments

[ridgerunner]

I don't know what to tell you (and I'm not an aged woman to be teaching the younger anyway) but I just wanted to say that I'll be praying for you! 

[RunAmokFarm]

Surrendermom23,
First, I want to tell you that I have thought of you (and prayed for you) many times over the last year -- and you are LOVED here!!

I believe I know what some of the replies will be with regard to what real "marriage" is, your obligation versus what you could choose to do... and I know what my initial response would be (toward restoration), however...  I need to pray for wisdom and study scripture more closely as your situation (already "divorced") has, as I understand this, released you from your marriage obligations.

As people answer you, there may be some "technical" questions regarding which of you filed for divorce, have you been with anyone else, has he been abusive to your daughter, etc.  There are some specifics in scripture for different scenarios, so this may help with folks giving you REAL, scriptural advice, versus opinions. 

As I mentioned above, my first response is nearly always toward restoration of the family - because I truly believe the Lord can, & will, bring about a new marriage when we are faithful to Him - I have experienced this on a personal level...  The adultry issue, for me, while it feels devastating, is "nothing but a thing" when considering all of eternity - and whether our reaction will lead to our husband's redemption or his completely going the other way... but again, as I see the situation, you are officially, at this time, released from your marriage and my advice, after prayer and study, may be different than if you were only considering divorce and not actually divorced already.

I will pray also for someone with more wisdom to answer you...  We love you and will continue to pray for you, your daughter, and your ex-husband... 
J

[surrendermom23]

Thank you for your prayers. I really do appreciate them. It is so much easier for me to be honest here than any where else. First off, I would like to say that I am not blameless in this at all, and I think that this is part of my struggle. I was so wrong on so many levels. I was the one who sought the divorce. I can't explain why I did it. I think I panicked and felt I wasn't strong enough. I am not a strong person. I am a follower not a leader, I let other people's opinions influence me. I really do want restoration. But, how far can forgiveness go. What about the grudges he holds against me and I of him. I really want to forget  the past and move on to a brighter more holy future. But, is this possible? I want my family to be god-designed. But, I also want my family to be behind my decisions and to see that they are sound. What steps can I take to get there. I know all this cannot happen overnight. I can't just have him move in and pick up where we left off. Can I?

[surrendermom23]

This is probably irrelevant but I felt like I should let you know that he has no job, no car, and no job prospects. He is a convicted felon and no one will hire him. esp with the economy the way it is. This is another factor that plays in to everything. He is not responsible and he has no sense of urgency or anything about finding a jobe he has been out almost a yr now and still no job. he wont even pay me the child support that he is supposed to pay. I am barely making it on my own and I cannot afford to support him as well. I know I wil probably get a response on how money is not import and I should rely on God and I believe that but, realistically I have a daughter that depends on me to make the right choices and food and shelter are a first needs. I am BARELY making it. I make 10 an hour and I live in FL. It is almost impossible to live on money like that. I took care of him for 4 yrs I really don't want to do it again, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, that is not my intention. Its just the stress he puts on me is hard to deal with. I love him, yet I am not allowed to (according to all who know me) because of how he treated me. My hair is graying and falling out and im only 24. Women were not meant to bear this load by themselves and I feel like I am drowning

[ForeverGirl]

Hi, praying here...

Some questions that might help us understand your situation better:

Who is paying the bills? Who is buying the food for you and DC? At the time of  your divorce/separation who was paying bills/food, etc...?

Have you been with another man since you separated from your DH?

Is your DH (speaking without knowledge as I refer to him as DH) willing to be provider, protector, father, husband... and accountable in that role to other men that are also fulfilling that role in their own families? Men that live in the area and know you personally.

Would you, as wife and mother, be willing to be accountable to other godly women who know you personally as being submissive, honoring, obedient, keeper at home... ?

Gabe may have other questions too... these are just off the top of my head. The answers will help us understand where you stand in light of the Bible's teaching on marriage specifics.

There is an answer, and it won't be "confusion" for you... so hang in there. We love you.

Rebekah


PS: Ah... I see you answered some of these questions while I was typing. Good. That gives us more to work with. You may be interested in listening to the recent audios about marriage. I think these will give you some relief.

[amy3js]

Well I had this whole reply typed, but then I decided to nix it for now. But I will say I will be praying for you and I would encourage you to relax. I know you will get some good answers here. As forevergirl mentioned, I think listening to the audio's on marriage might help you get some answers. 

[denim&lace]

Rachel... I love you and your little girl and I'm praying for you both today.

D&L 

[surrendermom23]

I am willing to be accountable...I want to be godly and submissive...I want to be able to love my *husband (even though legally he is not...in my heart he still is) I know i will not be truly happyy until I believe I am following the path God has designed for me. I just ache because I know I was sooo wrong. No, he was not blameless, but I could have done better but I was a coward. He wants to be able to  provide but I truly believe he does not know how...I have always been the "responsible" one. I took care of all bills. Everything was in my name. I worked 2 jobs to support him b4 DC. But, I am unable to do that now while taking proper care of my daughter. Please understand, I just want to do the right thing and honor the Lord. This is my main concern. I know I was wrong, I have asked for forgiveness from God and my DH. I just don't know my next step. If you all could read through the last post after this one and help me in which ever way you can. I am so desperately lost!

[khix]

Praying for you....

If your heart is toward your ex-dh, and your heart is toward restoration with him, then pray toward that end.  Pray for God to work on dh's heart.  God can work miracles on people's hearts!  (I know He did in mine!)  No one is beyond the grasp of God's Hand, not you, not your dh.  From what you say here, it seems your heart is in the right place.  Maybe you should have gotten a divorce, maybe you shouldn't have....but what's done is done.  Don't worry about it.  We can't erase the past...we can only move forward.  So, the question is - how to move forward? 

You said your ex-dh was abusive before he went to prison...then you said that after he got out, he was still abusive, even though he said he changed.  So, IMO, I don't think it would be wise or safe to go back to him right now.  I think that safety (for you and your dd) is a big concern right now.  Ideally, hearts will be changed & a marriage restored, and even if you work toward that end, IMO, it would not be safe to do that while together.  IMO, it would be best to work on the marriage separately.  I mean, you sound like you are scared of him.  How can we really & truly honor and respect someone we are afraid of?  IMO, trust has to be built back up first. 

I don't know, though, I could be wrong.....I'm not even close to being counted among the wise ladies here....I'm still learning myself.

But, I do know that God sees your tears & hears your prayers....God is working in this situation, I just know He is.  Keep trusting in Him.  Though it seems like you are lost in a dark cave with no way out, you're really not.  Well, maybe you are in a cave, but Jesus is there...He's holding you, carrying you.  He knows the way out, and you WILL get there.

You are in my prayers.

Psalm 71:1-5 helped me through a tough time once.  Maybe it will help you:

1In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.

 2Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me.

 3Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress.

 4Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.

 5For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth.

There are so many more beautiful passages in Psalms....read them.  They are such a source of comfort in times of distress.

[AndysDad]

[Jumping in on a ladies' thread]

Just to testify that a woman I know divorced her very abusive husband 15 years ago when their children were teens. But God has brought him around so beautifully. He is courting her again and she is looking forward to their marriage being restored.

The most important thing IMHO is that neither one of them married anyone else in the meantime, so there's no need to cut any ties in order to re-connect as a couple.

Andy'sDad

[surrendermom23]

To clarify...I don't know if it makes a difference, but there was more emotional abuse than anything else. there was only a couple times when he was physically inappropriate. But, the scars it left are haunting me. It's not so much that I am afraid of him as much as I am afraid of going back to where we were. Not to mention the fact that my family basically despises him (we lived with my parents while we were married, so they saw everything.) and doesn't trust him as far as they can throw him. I told dh that if he wanted to get back together it was going to take a lot for me to trust him again. I mean A LOT! The thing that really scares me is he that he is a master manipulator and con man (not meant as a slam...it's a truth he admits to). So, what if he pretends to change and comes home and it all happens again? I like the idea of courting, but am new to the concept. What kinds of boundaries should i put in place to protect myself and dd during this process? I just want to do everything in line with God's will, but i feel lost. I feel that I really love my dh, but am ashamed to admit it to my family for fear of their disappointment. I know I shouldn't look to my family so much, but I trust my father and his judgment,

[ForeverGirl]

Hi,

I just have a minute now, so I hope this post doesn't come across as too abrupt and blunt... lol, it probably would anyway.

These are the things that come to my mind regarding your situation:

It sounds to me like your DH isn't acting like a husband, and that he (possibly) never has. These actions, or lack thereof, leave you free to seek another head unless your current DH should (now, before you remarry) repent and put on the "works" of a husband by providing raiment, food, and duty of marriage for you thus making it possible for you to stay at home and be a keeper at home. IMO, he needs to know exactly what is required of him in order to have you as a wife:

His duty:

Exd 21:10            If he take him another [wife]; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.  And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.

1Ti 5:8           But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.


Your duty:

Tts 2:5      [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

This being said, I would also add that IF you are reconciled to your DH and return to him as a wife, edit: [I believe] it must be based on his right-action and your right-action... not your feelings about him or for him.

Looking back through your posts, I noted how many times your actions are predicated on how you feel. You mention your fear, your unwillingness to keep forgiving,  your respect to other people's opinions, your feelings of nausea when he is near, etc... I don't have the time to copy and paste all of your quotes, but you can read them in your own posts.

edit: [I believe] these things need to be put away regardless of whether or not you are reconciled to your husband. God does not give the spirit of fear... and Christ says that we should forgive that we might be forgiven.  edit: [I believe] we are judged based on our actions... not how God feels about us. Put away your fear, doubt, unforgiveness, and put on righteousness, forgiveness, joy, love... be like Christ. 

Mat 6:14      For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Mat 6:15    But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Luk 6:37      Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

Rom 8:15      For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

2Ti 1:7      For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Hbr 13:6      So that we may boldly say, The Lord [is] my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

1Jo 4:18      There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.


Phl 2:1 -8    ¶     If [there be] therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,
Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, [being] of one accord, of one mind.
[Let] nothing [be done] through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.

In prayer for you,

Rebekah

[rejoicing]

Just a thought... could it be possible to live seperately for a while, and both of you work on yourselves until you are ready to be a family unit again?   You could work on forgiveness, healing, and a heart submissive to God.  He could work on growing up a bit, too.   And then if things get safer, calmer with him, then you two could discuss resuming the relationship.  I think in this case I'd be tempted to move a bit slowly.

We will be praying for you, and you keep praying. God will direct your path! (HUGS)

[surrendermom23]

Update: I spoke to him on friday. things went well. I felt as if I was not the one speaking. I had no fear, just truth. I was as honest as I have ever been before. I told him that I believed in my heart that God desired us to reconcile, but before this could take place we both needed to make changes.  I said that we both needed to fix ourselves as individuals if we were ever to work as a unit. he agreed. He revealed to me that he knew his heart and mind were not where they needed to be and he wanted to change that. he said that it was not his desire to bring me down and that he saw changes and me and respected them. we have agreed to keep space between us and continue to talk on a regular basis. I am continuing to pray that God works a change in both our hearts. sorry i havent been on in so long...there was a weird technical problem with my account. please continue to pray for me.

[RunAmokFarm]

Surrendermom23,

I am so glad you updated...  You, your (ex)husband and your daughter have been in my thoughts and prayers.  We will continue to remember you in prayer ~
Jaque

[surrendermom23]

I have spent a lot of time in prayer this past week and I believe God is turning my heart back towards my *husband. I want to do things the right way. with guidlines, boundaries, self control etc. Anybody have any creative ideas on dating my husband. I know it sounds silly, but does anyone understand what I am saying. not quite sure how to articulate it.

[herbalmom]

I have spent a lot of time in prayer this past week and I believe God is turning my heart back towards my *husband. I want to do things the right way. with guidlines, boundaries, self control etc. Anybody have any creative ideas on dating my husband. I know it sounds silly, but does anyone understand what I am saying. not quite sure how to articulate it.

I thought we had a thread on date night ideas & was going to post a link & was surprised to find that we didn't so I started a thread. Hopefully, you get some good ideas:

   
Dates With Husbands- Ideas, etc.

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