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[In Christ]

I am just curious if it's possible for a couple to spend TOO much time focusing on each other and their marriage (and their ministry together) that they are ignoring the children too much.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Also, is it terrible to not want to let your child, almost 12, go off with a friend and his family for ONE night?  Does anyone here understand why this is a problem for me and others I know?  Has anyone else been through and lived through the insanity I did in my childhood to know that there are TONS of not right people out there, and sometimes it's just that others drive like crazy or whatever, or let their kids go to the bathroom in the city by themselves, etc.

Thanks again.

[veggie]

I have wondered the same thing (your first question) so will be interested to hear other responses.

To your last question, all I can say is that when I was starting to "develop" (I don't remember exactly how old I was), I was molested during a sleep over at my best friend's house by her father.  He was a pastor.  This was not a one time event in my life growing up and the effects are long-term.  So no, I don't think it's terrible to have reservations about letting  your 12 yr. old spend the night elsewhere. 

Hope this helps!

[denim&lace]

InChrist... when people tell me that I am overprotective of my children I look them in the eye and tell them that I would rather stand before God and have Him tell me that I did too much to protect my children than to have Him say that I did too little.  It's God that we will answer to on the subject...

Now, I do think that we can turn our boys into sissy boys and our girls into fearful little mice if we let our every fear dictate how we are raising them.  There is certainly a balance...  but if I'm going to err, I'd rather it be on the side of caution.  I think with prayers for wisdom, knowledge and discernment we can find the balance and raise our children in both safety and courage!

[Mrs. B]

D&L... once again you hit it out of the park with your response.
This is also a subject that troubles me to a degree. 
I guess the way my mind has figured it out is that this maybe one of those issues like homeschooling.  What might be right for some is not right for all.  I think that we are called to differnt things and circumstances, and while I may not get where they are coming from, I'm trying not to get judgemental on the matter. 
Personally, I don't like to be separated from my family any more than we have to be.  I would feel strange going away with my husband and leaving my kids routinely.  I would also wonder with whom the kids would be left.   So often in my life, I see people leaving their kids with friends, and this wouldn't fly with me.
My feeling is that while my kids are young, and entrusted to me to care for, I feel I need to be there doing my job.  I don't want a 'break' from them, I enjoy pretty much most days because of them and my husband.

[lovetoreadmom]

I pretty much agree with everything I've read here.  I guess the only thing I would say is if you can have Godly grandparents or a Godly aunt watch them for a little time every once in a while, that is okay.  Maybe a special anniversary . . . you know, when it's a "milestone" year - 10th, 15th, 20th, etc.  That's what my parents did for us a VERY few times over the years, and it was a great time to spend with grandparents.  My older sister and I would also spend 4-6 weeks in the summers with our grandparents, and I am so thankful for that time because I learned so much about older people, my ancestors, and just how to be around people that are not always in my age group.    It was a really neat experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

All that to say . . . I think each family has to decide based upon their life circumstances, who they have available to watch their children, how often they would go, etc. Then, of course, pray about it.  The Lord will give clear direction when it's searched for.   

[In Christ]

I just wondered because as I said, I have such a terrible time leaving my children but I have friends who really enjoy each other and go out of town together regularly, quite regularly and leave their children (four of them under 10) with a sitter....granted they've known their sitters for 2-4 years, but I can't leave mine with family and only have like ONE friend who I've left them with to go with dh on a business trip and I did NOT enjoy being away from them.

Part of me thinks once a year might be nice to get away for a day or two with dh, but I don't think I could do it more often, as one of you said, especially when they are young, they are MY responsibility and I couldn't feel right leaving them with anyone else....esp added on top of a date night once a week or for my friends, once a week when they can.

Does this make sense?

[AndysJess]

DH and I feel like making each other a priority makes for happier kids.  Having a date night as often as possible is very important to us.  We don't leave our children overnight very often, but only because we don't have someone close by to keep them.  We are working on a move Phoenix right now, and I have close family there.  Believe me...we will be leaving the kiddos with my parents (whom we both trust very much) and getting away together much more often than we've been able to in the past.

Just my .02

[ridgerunner]

DH and I feel like making each other a priority makes for happier kids.  Having a date night as often as possible is very important to us.  We don't leave our children overnight very often, but only because we don't have someone close by to keep them.  We are working on a move Phoenix right now, and I have close family there.  Believe me...we will be leaving the kiddos with my parents (whom we both trust very much) and getting away together much more often than we've been able to in the past.

Just my .02

I'm right there with ya AndysJess.  I want my marriage to be as strong as possible for my DD, and something that helps me is to have a few hours together for a "date" whenever possible.  I have a few options for babysitters that are people I completely trust and I have no problem leaving her there.

[lovetoreadmom]

DH and I feel like making each other a priority makes for happier kids.  Having a date night as often as possible is very important to us.  We don't leave our children overnight very often, but only because we don't have someone close by to keep them.  We are working on a move Phoenix right now, and I have close family there.  Believe me...we will be leaving the kiddos with my parents (whom we both trust very much) and getting away together much more often than we've been able to in the past.

Just my .02

I'm right there with ya AndysJess.  I want my marriage to be as strong as possible for my DD, and something that helps me is to have a few hours together for a "date" whenever possible.  I have a few options for babysitters that are people I completely trust and I have no problem leaving her there.

This is something my DH and I need very badly.  We haven't been by ourselves w/o kids for well over a year, and I know it shows.     His mom and sister live nearby but can't take care of all three or come at night, my parents are often busy, and then there's the $$ thing.  It just makes it tricky for us.   

[denim&lace]

Midnight living room picnics
Toss a mattress in the back of the van and go 'parking' in the garage after the children are asleep
Take turns playing masseuse, give each other full body massages
Pop some popcorn, pour a couple soda's, pop in a good movie and enjoy! (again, after kiddy bedtime)

Order from your favorite 'pick up' restaurant and have Daddy pick up the food and bottle of wine as Momma puts the kids to bed and sets the table with the pretty stuff...   

The great thing about 'at home dates' is that  you can spend all that money you are saving for special pretty, silky, at home date clothing...    

[seekingtruth]

Midnight living room picnics
Toss a mattress in the back of the van and go 'parking' in the garage after the children are asleep
Take turns playing masseuse, give each other full body massages
Pop some popcorn, pour a couple soda's, pop in a good movie and enjoy! (again, after kiddy bedtime)

Order from your favorite 'pick up' restaurant and have Daddy pick up the food and bottle of wine as Momma puts the kids to bed and sets the table with the pretty stuff...   

The great thing about 'at home dates' is that  you can spend all that money you are saving for special pretty, silky, at home date clothing...    

You took the words right out of my mouth (only you said it better  )  We have found "at home" dates to be a good alternative.  Our oldest are 10 and 8, so we have started having them sit for us.  We go on a date to our bedroom or outside.  It gives them a chance to get some practice, but we are still available for emergencies.   And it is much cheaper that way.  I prefer to eat good food at home instead of the junk at the restaurants. 

When they were younger, we would get them to bed and have some time together.  We still do this now sometimes.  We enjoy just sitting and playing cribbage and having a good conversation.  Have to try some of the other ideas. 

[andiclare]

Midnight living room picnics
Toss a mattress in the back of the van and go 'parking' in the garage after the children are asleep
Take turns playing masseuse, give each other full body massages
Pop some popcorn, pour a couple soda's, pop in a good movie and enjoy! (again, after kiddy bedtime)

Order from your favorite 'pick up' restaurant and have Daddy pick up the food and bottle of wine as Momma puts the kids to bed and sets the table with the pretty stuff...   

The great thing about 'at home dates' is that  you can spend all that money you are saving for special pretty, silky, at home date clothing...    

I LOVE your ideas here D&L! I'm saving them for future use. 

[lovetoreadmom]

Thanks for the ideas, D&L!!  They are GREAT and very do-able!! 

[In Christ]

I went to FL with dh on a business trip and I felt bad leaving my kids with someone for two days, so I don't know if it would be wrong to do this every month or every other month?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.  Scriptures? 


I guess ultimately I'm wondering how much time do you leave your own children with the sitter/nanny till it's too much?

[SC lady]

Regarding the original post. I would think that it best for parents to learn the skills necessary to successfully parent their children rather than handing off those duties to another. Part of the feeling of needing a break in parenting (I think) comes from being around children that aren't well trained.

If the children are unruly, disrespectful, whiny, etc. then I'd need a break too. A lot of parents are dealing with these things using ineffective tools, so rather than explode, they take a break. No one taught the parents how to train, so they hand the duties off to others and do their best to ride out the storm until the children are grown.

So, there may likely be more going on here than parents that don't care. It's possible that these are people that don't feel equal to the task and need some help there.

Another thing to consider is that some children do need extra care and monitoring. It can be EXHAUSTING to constantly be training and teaching a child that learns at a different rate. It's just not always possible to physically be in the same room at all times with every little body in the house . . . and some little bodies can easily slip away. Parents with children like this will REQUIRE what is known as respite care for their children in order for the parents to be able to use the bathroom, take a shower or just have a nap. It doesn't sound like this is what you are talking about here, but I insert it so that parents who DO have a child with medical or other needs not think that they are being poor parents when they really do need help.

My approach would be to assume that these parents are operating in ignorance and haven't yet learned how to truly enjoy their children --  possibly they don't know that children can be enjoyed -- until they said differently.

If your heart is breaking for this family, I would suggest that letting them see your family's example. Invite their questions and share honestly when asked about what you do and why you do it. Give the men lots of opportunities to spend time together where they might have the chance to discuss how they lead their households. Encourage the wife as she follows her husband and demonstrate by example how to delight in the children you've been given.

If you are homeschooling (or even if you aren't) and know of trips that this family is taking, you could ask them to pick up souvenirs and/or educational items in their travels. Express to them what a blessing it is to be able to travel with children and learn together about different places. Maybe they never thought of traveling with children. You could tell them about trips you've taken with yours.

Most importantly, pray for these opportunities. . . . asking God to prepare hearts all around for the work He wants to do.

[In Christ]

Wow, thanks so much...I loved your ideas (and thoughts).

And I hate that I have missed pieces of their lives for different reasons, so I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but I hate when I miss out on taking walks with them or teaching them or spending time with them, if that makes any sense at all.

And as far as going out of town, my dh and I both love having them with us and miss it when they are not, we talk a lot about, ds would like this, or dd would enjoy this place, etc etc

[SC lady]

Scripture talks of servants having a place in the home. There is much to be read on that subject if you search the word 'servant' or 'maidservant' -- if your question is concerning the conduct of someone serving in the home. ('Maidservant' appears 17 times. 'Servant' appears in 462 verses.)

If your question is how the master or mistress of the home is to conduct himself/herself towards servants, then look for Scriptures that deal with "Master." ('Mistress' appears in 9 verses, 'Master' in 161)

If your questions are concerning how someone else could/should conduct themselves in a household where you are not a member, then my thinking would be that you are to set a good example, love your children and honor your husband so that these friends/acquaintances/neighbors/whatever desire to have what you have. (Titus 2:5)

If your question is about a set amount of time a parent should spend with a child, there is Scripture to suggest that the parent takes the child with him/her and uses learning experiences to teach the word. (Deut 6:7; 11:19) There is also the story of Hannah who gave her firstborn son Samuel to the Lord's service from the time he was weaned. He lived apart from her in the temple. (I Samuel 2:18,19 & surrounding)

Hope that helps 

[rejoicing]

I do NOT leave my kids with a sitter/nanny.  And I feel pretty strongly about it, too, so that is where I am coming from. I will let them visit with my parents on occasions-maybe one day every other month...So for me and my crew, even one night a week would be excessive. Our extended family has had VERY BAD experiences with sitters (even professional ones), including one baby that ended up in a body cast, and another wondering the streets alone at night!!!    I do have one like-minded friend whose family has similar vaues to ours. I would feel OK leaving my kids with them in an EMERGENCY-like medical or something serious.  But I do not think it is ok to leave my kids with someone else just to "get out".   Sleepovers-no, NEVER.  I wouldn't.  At Grandma/grandpas maybe, but at a friends...nope.

As for time to minister, etc... I figure if its something that we can't do as a family, it can wait until the little ones are grown.

We also have date night every night!   We look forward to bedtime!  Our kids go to bed at 8--earlier than most, but it works well for us.  They get rest and we get grown up time. Usually we just have tea, news, and good conversation.  I think for us it is important to have that bonding/together time at the close of every day. 

That is just how it works for us.  But since you are asking bc someone else, be careful that you are not being judgemental and getting involved where it is not your business.    Not saying you are, just something to think on.
Not all families feel the same as we do, and just like we should be free to raise our kids how we see fit without judgement, they should be able to do the same. 

[In Christ]

It's been very helpful to see others' point of view...

AND after reading the one post about the kids behavior, we got to thinking, they are NOT as well behaved as we had thought, so it is VERY tiring to deal with them....I'd lose my mind if my children had been that trying...GOD knew I wasn't gonna be that good at patient parenting I guess.... 

Thanks again for sharing all the different thoughts....this family says the "Nanny" is like family, but they really don't hardly speak to her IMO....it's weird to me....and since she is so important to me.... and she wants to be a godly wife and mother, I worry this is teaching her wrong ways and setting a bad example......and keeping her from GOD's plan and purpose for her life......sorry to change the subject, but again, this new stuff JUST came up....Thanks all.

[denim&lace]

If it is any comfort at all, everybody I've ever known who worked as a Nanny became very attentive stay at home Mom's who hardly left their children for any reason... 

It's possible that she is learning how NOT to parent by watching their example. 

[SC lady]

So, this topic more accurately appears to be about how a woman might direct another woman regarding her career choices based upon how/whether/if the employer meets certain criteria in how he directs his home.(? not sure  )

It is good for an older woman to instruct a younger woman in the following:
Titus 2:4,5
"That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

If the issue is employment and employment conditions, then the young woman's head would/should be the one to have voice in the matter (I would think).

If the issue is how another man runs his household, then I think that Romans 14:4 might apply:
Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

I'm not sure how the schedule of the other household comes into play. 

I also liked D&L's response because these things can all be proving/training grounds for future motherhood (cf. Romans 8:28)

[In Christ]

Thank you for being such an encouragement....The Nanny would be my teenage daughter and neither of her dads are "walking with the LORD"  so, who is her head? 

Prayers will be greatly appreciate for ALL of us.

Thank you for your time and thoughtful, kind, and HONEST responses....again, I'm sorry I have not made much sense and are trying to get different points of view on the same thing and I've made it very confusing....

Love and prayers
I. C.


BTW, my dh, who dd is very close to and loves and respects more than anyone says she'd be crazy to move with them and he doesn't think it's a good idea, but if she doesn't ask, he'll never tell her what he thinks... 

[SC lady]

BTW, my dh, who dd is very close to and loves and respects more than anyone says she'd be crazy to move with them and he doesn't think it's a good idea, but if she doesn't ask, he'll never tell her what he thinks... 

Well THERE YA GO mama . . . tell that daughter she should seek daddy's honest opinion on the move and follow his direction! Sounds like a wonderful way to reverence your husband, demonstrate a submissive spirit and cultivate obedience in your daughter all in one fell swoop. Here's {{hugs}} for a mother's heart over her adult children. . . . The Lord is faithful to keep all we've committed to Him. 

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