next »

[AndysJess]

Here is my situation.  My family is in a state of transtition right now.  My husband's job is transferring us to WV.  He works on natural gas wells and is gone from home for weeks at a time.  Without going into all the details, DH asked me and the kids to stay with his parents in AR for a couple of months while he started work in WV and found us a house.  I am 22 weeks pregnant, if that matters.

I have been here for almost a month now, and things have gone pretty well for the most part.  I have my own room and bathroom.  I take care of my kids (baths, food, laundry, etc.)  I make sure I help around the house beyond my own chores.  My in-laws have a very large home, so my 3 older kids actually have their own room as well.  Sounds close to ideal right?  Well, it would be except for one thing.

The church my in-laws go to is pastored by their daughter's husband.  Their daughter has always been the blatant favorite, to the exlusion of their 3 sons.  This favoritism has now been extended to her children (I say hers because she does not "allow" her husband to discipline)...in particular, her oldest son, L.

Now, DH and I are most definitely not the kind of parents to expect everything to be fair.  That's a useless game and a waste of time, IMO.  Our children are expected to behave in a certain manner, and if they do not, there are immediate consquences.  As a result, we have 4 very well-behaved, caring, kind children.  They aren't perfect, obviously, and they squabble and whine at times, but that is not the norm.  It's not allowed nor excused.

Let me paint you a picture of my nephew, L.  I have never in my life been repulsed by a child until now.  I literally cannot stand to even look at him.  This is my failing, I know and one I am continually working on.  It's not just whining or run-of-the-mill brattiness.  That I can brush off.  This child is not even 5 and already there is a level of deceptiveness and defiance in him that almost scares me.  I don't allow my children alone with him, especially the ones smaller than him.  I could go into example after example of his behaviour, but suffice it to say that he is a monster (not said in that affectionate tone reserved for unruly little boys).  The frightening thing is that it's all excused or explained by either tiredness, hunger, etc...or blamed on one or the other of his cousins.  He's violent and without remorse.  DH, in all seriousness, worries about him becoming a serial killer.

I should make clear that it's not just his parents that allow and even laugh at these things...it is my in-laws as well.  How does this affect my children and I, you ask?  Well, he stays over here at my in-laws house at least 3 nights out of every week.  The only redeeming thing about that little fact is that he will only sleep in my in-laws' room, which happens to be 2 stories above where my children sleep.

I'll go into a little detail now, since this episode seems to have been a catalyst for me.  I am not perfect...I get impatient with my kids sometimes, I have many of the usual faults and failings of a young mother.  I do not, however, get truely angry easily.  I REALLY have to be pushed.  The other night, my 3 yo ds came to me telling me that L had hit him (without provocation as I found out later).  We do not condone violence, but with this child, my DH has told my children to defend themselves everytime.  So, following my husband's orders, I told my son to go hit him back.  I got up to follow him, but didn't make it all the way to the room before chaos broke out.  DS went and socked L in the arm, and L turned to chase him.  DS ran from the room toward me but L caught him, hit him again then pushed him into the wall and onto the floor, where he hit his head on the tile.  This kind of thing has happened over and over.  Dh and I are not even sure telling the kids to defend themselves is the right thing to do but we're so tired of watching L get by with this behaviour.

Anyways, when I heard my little boy scream (and he's tough), the mama bear rose up in me.  I started towards L but my MIL pushed past me and told me she would take care of if.  I told her no because she wouldn't take care of it.  She went to sit him in a corner, and I told that if she sat him there, I would pick him up, take him to the room and take care of business.  She got mad and told me she would spank him, not me.  That was fine...I just wanted to see the situation taken care of.  Once the situation had settled, I called DH and told him what happened.  He agreed with my course of action, but we both are at a loss as to what to do.  I HAVE to live here til the middle of Feb.  This is not my home, so I cannot forbid him coming over.  My in-laws like to shovel things under the rug and pretend they didn't happen, so there really isn't any point in sitting down and discussing it like adults.  I would immediately be accused of being jealous of L's mother and trying to blame everything on him.

I'm trying to rock the boat as little as possible.  Not for my sake, but because I don't want my children to suffer (and they would), and also for DH's peace of mind.  If it were just me, or we were leaving soon, I would wade in with both fists (which would usually make me very sick, but I feel like I've been pushed too far).  Thankfully, since that episode, L has not been to the house.  So, we've had a little reprieve.  I'm worried, though, about when he does come back.  Nothing will have changed.  I've set up some rules for my children as concerning him, which will hopefully help, but not enough, I'm afraid.

Please don't think I'm just whining or complaining about this.   This is a very serious concern, not only to my husband and I but also to DH's older brother and his family.  It's a disturbing thing to be frightened of a child.  If there was any way, either financially or logistically, my husband would have us out of here, believe me.

Forgive me for the length of this post and it's disjointed rambling.  It's late, I'm tired and upset.  Any advice, wisdom or a good ol' kick in the pants will be appreciated.

Jess

[rainygladness]

First of all, (((hugs))). You're in a tough spot! And I don't think you're whining or complaining. (Btw, If I lived in AZ, I'd say come and stay with us!  )

I can't help but think how your nephew very well could become a serial monster when he's grown (sometimes they don't even wait that long  ) and you have been given the opportunity to do something about it NOW, before he continues on the horrid path his unloving parents have placed him on. Your presense there could be a once in a lifetime chance to affect these people.  Maybe the Lord has dished up this circumstance to you on purpose?  Not a rosy idea, I know, but when you're standing in maneur you might as well consider the possiblities!   
 
Would a sit-down talk with your in laws help?  A scary thought, I know. Who likes confrontation? Not me!  But maybe speaking to them with love and genuine concern for your little nephew (not the natural repulsion which his behavior inspires, but the Supernatural  love of Christ who died for his soul) might help them see that you aren't just a disgruntled mom/houseguest, you're a soldier of Christ and you've spotted the enemy in their territory!  You could gravely list the things you see in L as though you would if you spotted clear signs of a burglar. 1. Deception 2. Unprovoked violence  3. Defiance 4. etc...I'm sure you could finish the list.  Your attitude would be almost a tearful plea for the certain grip of Satan that you see on this little one.  It may not change their thinking, but it would at least help them to understand yours.  That you see the need for proper training, correction, reproof - in other words, LOVE. And that while you are staying there, you would like to be allowed to treat him with the same love as you would one of your own. 

And if the talk with your in laws isn't the right road for you, but your intent is still to prevent Satan from claiming that little one, pray over him daily. Pray for wisdom and strength to see that child through "eternity eyes".  He's awfully young - children that young don't carry grudges and they respond to and recognize real love when they see it. And it sounds like L is being denied the very essense of that love! 
Maybe you could arrange some or all of your time when he visits to be spent inviting him to play with you and your children (always a controled activity).  Structured games, hot potato, play dough, helping assemble snacks, lunch, maybe helping you to sweep a floor, or wash a few plates in a sink full of bubbles etc.  Laughing with him and constantly showing him what is and ISN'T acceptable behavior when he's around YOU. It's amazing how little ones that age respond when they get a taste of real love. I used to work with lots of little children and I've seen this in action. It's like a miracle.  I was one of the only ones who maintained boundaries, rules, consequences, etc and the defiant ones loved me the most! 

You could invite him to sit down with you your children for "song time" and teach him to sing songs about God. (This  would give you an opportunity to lay your hand on his little head and plead the blood of Christ over him, too).  Pray that the grip of the enemy be loosed from him and that lies would be replaced by truth and that the enemy would be denied access to him anymore.  Pray, pray, pray. Warfare can be fun, too,because winning is fun.  And you are on God's side and God always wins. He just needs our hands and feet to be willing to do some work.

I don't know if that is helpful or not, but it was what came to my heart after I prayed for God to give me wisdom to speak to you.  I know that he will give you help and I will pray that he shows you what to do each step of the way.

[Siege]

Reading your post made my stomach flip and flop. The poor boy! He us being trained to be a literal monster! Yuck!!!

I don't think you are wrong in your fear. I feel fear for you and your family. I have no advice, except, for the safety of your children don't tell them to defend themselves. He could really hurt them. I would tell them they cannot be in the same room as him without you there. If he is around they are by your side or in their room (closed, locked door if need be).

I am praying for you. CJ

[seekingtruth]

I agree with what has been said already...much better than I could say it.

Don't allow your children to be around him unless you are there to constantly monitor the situation.  Structured activities are best here. 

Any retaliation on their part could lead to serious injury.  I wouldn't risk it.  And it doesn't do anything to extinguish the flames.

Try to show Christ's love to him.  Love him and try to include him, but on your terms.  He is very young and obviously very bright.  If you act in a way that he wants to be included, then he will do what he needs to  be accepted and included in your sunshine!  Just make your boundaries, rules and consequences very clear.  When I had my untrained 4 year old nephew in my home for a month- I made the rules very clear and extended grace when I thought it was needed.  I would often ask my kiddos what the rule was in the given situation so that he could see that it was a rule that applied to all of them and I wasn't just making stuff up to be mean to him. My nephew also did much better if I just had him around without grandma or his mother there.  Then he knew that I was in charge at the moment.

If you are unable to supervise, then just keep your children separated from him.  Just be straightforward and honest with your inlaws about this.  Don't get emotional or try to make excuses.  Just state your desires (or better yet- have your dh do so) and leave it at that. 

If all else fails, you can go on vacation and come stay with us.  We are only a stone's throw away from WV in SE Ohio!

Love and Prayers, Tammy

[SC lady]

  I'm with the mama bear vote. 

I think it's time to organize your 4 kiddos as a commando unit. They all need to know how to punch effectively and go through 'what-do-you-do-when' training. Little ones need to learn how to always be in the sight of an older sibling or yourself when L is around.

If it were me (and I know it isn't) I'd give my older ones full sway to defend younger siblings. Four against one are good odds. They could each grab an arm or leg and sit on him until he stopped if necessary. This L only understands brute force & defending a sibling is a righteous cause. Show your biggest how to effectively restrain him at the first sign of violence and teach the younger ones to run for help.

If grandma wants an explanation, I'd suggest that my children were likely just tired, hungry, or upset by L. 

Seriously, ministering to another person's child is fine, but (for me) not at the expense of the safety of my own. If this little boy is big enough to throw the 1st punch, he's big enough to endure what happens next.

You can extend grace AFTER he is certain of the consequences.
Just my opinion. I'm not saying it will help or work in your circumstance. . . .

[Mrs. B]

I'm not for all the fighting, but it seems to me that your nephew isn't going to be swayed by anything else. 
I cannot imagine what a difficult situation this would be to live in, but you are doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude.

I think that if hashing it out with your inlaws is not an option (which would probably be the best thing, but may not be a possibility) then SC's sibling plan is great.  I think that always being with a buddy while they are at home is going to be a necessity if L is there.

My concern at reading your original post was that this kid is picking on a 3 yo, not your older kids.  He is a bully, obviously, who knows who and how to push buttons and is a smart enough kid to know how to manipulate the adults around him.
I was also concerned that your child came to you and then went to hit L.  I would make sure to train that if he is going to retaliate, that it is an automatic reaction and not one done after the fact, and after telling mom.

[uptrapperdansgirl]

I can relate to this so I just wanted to share my testimony....ok so I have typed and retyped what I thought I should share, but I will try to just share what is useful for you.

first, I understand completely.  I also went thru the dislike of a young family member. He was a terror even at age 2 and I am not kidding or exaggerating. We have many family disputes over this. It was when God changed my heart that things changed. I have prayed for God to help you with that and for your nephew. Rainygladness  has shared just what I have experienced. I started to look at him as a soul that God wanted and loved. I have been fighting for him for years. My dh still struggles with him. But I have found my heart soft towards him. I have cried for him many times, lifted his name to the heavens believing God for his soul. This was all God changing me, letting me see things with spiritual eyes.  the last few times he visited I enjoyed him, (although I kept my eyes and ears open) and you know what? He knows I love him. It works! Love wins! He receives from me now and I don't feel like I am at war with a child. I am however at war with the devil, but he is the loser. Be wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove. I will be praying for you. I really do understand what you are dealing with. and I know how hard it is when you live with it. we did too and its a bit more of a challenge when you live with it, but I know you can do it! lots of love hugs and prayers!!

[rainygladness]

Uptrapperdansgirl, I love it!  Love wins! Yay!

AndysJess, I totally agree that teaching your kids to prepare for self defense measures is a wise step.  In doing so they can "help" him understand his boundaries using your preplanned retaliation techniques.  And I wouldn't offer watery excuses to outraged in-laws, either. Just stand your ground with a statement that your children are helping that pour youngster to learn his boundaries.    Dogs bite, fire burns, water can drown...he's got to understand that if he's going to shove, hit, push he's going to be sorry or know the reason why.

Whatever you choose to do will take courage, but I think that you've already shown great courage just tolerating things so far!  I'm praying for you!

[SarahLaRae]

Wow, what a lot of good responses these ladies have!  I second, third, and fourth, never leaving your children alone with him.  There is no telling the extent of  what he is capable of doing and you don't want to find out with your children.  My gut reaction would be to keep me and my children locked up in a room anytime L came over, but I know that is silly and unrealistic.   I would definitely make some rules for L and tell him if he does "such and such" that he won't be allowed to play with your children.  I wouldn't hesitate to tell my in-laws the rules as well.   He can not be allowed to abuse your children, even if he's just tired, or hungry.  There is no excuse for violence. 

I understand the mama bear.  I've wanted to "attend to business" with others peoples children as well. 

Praying for you and your husband to make the right decisions and also praying for L.
Sarah

[HappyWifey]

I 3rd or 4rth or whatever number it is SC's advice.

It sounds as though talking with the family wouldn't do any good. Since L is much like a baby as far as being trained, perhaps he needs training by your children. If he hurts someone he gets ganged up on and hurt too. Pretty soon he'll see he can't win and will stop.

Plus what a unique experience for your children to learn another aspect of being loving protecting siblings. This is a good opportunity for them to learn to watch out for each other, and will bring them closer as siblings.

[AndysJess]

Hello to all.  Thank you all (belatedly, it seems) for the wonderful advice and prayers.  I apologized for not updating  you on the situation, but for the sake of not "rocking the boat," my husband asked that I not post about it until we had moved on to WV.  We are here now and getting settled.

The last 2 months were horrible in so many ways, yet God was there the whole time.  He was so merciful to my children and I.  I can't say that the situation with my nephew was in any way resolved, but His grace was sufficient.

As a result of this time, my husband has made and is still in the process of making some extremely difficult decisions.  I'm doing my best not to influence him, but to just listen and pray for wisdom.  Please join me in prayer both him and myself.

I know this is pretty vague, and I apologize...I mainly wanted to let all of those who have prayed and given advice know that we are well.  We are settling in our new home and eagerly anticipating the arrival of our new little one in May.  I'm working to just put the bad stuff behind me and only take away the good things that came out of it (ie. some really cool bonding with my oldest son).

Again, thank you all so very much for your prayers, thoughts and advice.  It was extremely helpful to me during this time.  Love and prayers,
Jess

[sissy]

Jess, glad that you got moved safely and getting settled.  You sound relieved to be out of the  in laws home. Nothing like having your own place.  Glad nothing more happen with your  nephew, to bad things didnt get better tho. I send up prayers for your husband as he makes his decisions sounds like its not easy ones and prayers for you as you stand by him with your support and love.  I know it can be hard to not influence our DH when it comes to decisions but often its better to just stand by them in prayer and support in whatever decisions they make as long as it doesnt go against God.  I wish the best for your family in your new home and the new arrival to come! 

Sissy

Advanced search

• 1 Timothy 3:16 GOD was manifest in the flesh, or the Vatican versions "he"?: Translation Questions and Discussion byandiclare (3)
• Revelation 18:20 - Bible critics and "ye holy apostles and prophets": Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (0)
• What About the 2011 NIV Old Testament?: Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (0)
• 1 Samuel 6:19 Is your Bible the 100% historical truth of God? 50,070 or 70 slain: Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (3)
• What About the new NIV 2011?: Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (2)
• Answering the Typical Anti-KJB Only sites: Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (0)
• We are Gods?: Bible Discussion bySoffi (0)
• Every Man For Himself Bible Versions: Translation Questions and Discussion bybrandplucked (0)
• Answering James White's Question - Which KJV?: Translation Questions and Discussion byAndysDad (6)

• Japanese/English Bible?: Translation & Publishing—Resources, Questions & Interaction byGarlicMomma (5)
• Beka....?: Announcements & Updates byandiclare (0)
• HELP? Hubby can't sleep (I tried to search this): Healthcare @ Home byandiclare (1)
• Where is everyone?: Nothing Deep byGarlicMomma (5)
• Introduce Yourself!: Nothing Deep bypiperjameson (325)
• The scoop on Soap: House and Home byCherika Four Seasons (1)
• Ideas: Children serving each other: Parenting byjenibee (0)
• My husband needs help with something I think is wrong: Relationships byjackiee (4)
• like minded moms?: Parenting byHomeschool_Newbie (2)
• "Courtship" discussions/questions: Relationships byHomeschool_Newbie (15)
• Announcing....: Announcements & Updates byBJ_BOBBI_JO (5)
• 80 days dream: Announcements & Updates bybasething (16)
• strabismus: Healthcare @ Home byFree Woman (10)
• Prayer Requests -- Health Related: Healthcare @ Home byBJ_BOBBI_JO (640)
• Translations in Guatemala...: Translation & Publishing—Resources, Questions & Interaction byAndysDad (5)
• Boring christian life: Sarah's Daughters byBJ_BOBBI_JO (6)
• Is this site for real?: Relationships byandiclare (2)
• Emergency food: canned or powder?: Nothing Deep byGarlicMomma (9)
• A heart issue for my children?: Parenting byandiclare (9)
• Keeping Warm, Heating Tips & Tricks: House and Home byherbalmom (60)

[Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.Did you miss your activation email?]

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

February 07, 2012, 04:15:37 PM

1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

Members

• Total Members: 6893
• Latest: ROxidRe4

Stats

• Total Posts: 243886
• Total Topics: 21906
• Online Today: 33
• Online Ever: 437
• (April 01, 2008, 03:09:36 PM)

Users Online

• Users: 0
• Guests: 27
• Total: 27