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[MomOf8]

My ds (10) suddenly cries over every little thing.  If he gets disappointed, he just cries/whines, etc.  I have to admit, my older ds was very sensitive as a child, he is 19 now and not as much.  I'm sure it points to me, but I do need some advice.  Thank you for reading!

[ForeverGirl]

There isn't enough detail here to know exactly what the problem stems from. Here are some thoughts that come to mind on what makes "a man."

It's important for a boy to not be "protected" by his mother from his father. If dad tells him to go outside and play in the snow until he works off some energy, and the boy is back at the door in 5 minutes, crying that it's cold... and dad says "no" stay out there another 15 minutes... it's important that mom not show any sympathy or disagreement with dad. (You can make sure he puts on his coat before he goes out the door, but if he refuses to wear it, then he needs to feel the cold.)

I'm not talking about abuse from an unreasonably cruel man. Objectively judge your husband from another persons perspective and if he seems like a tough, but reasonable man then TRUST HIM against your own instincts when he is training your son.

Boys are made physically tougher... they need to experience hardships that girls don't need to experience. They need to feel the thrill of overcoming the odds, of being tougher than the elements, etc... without this they'll have no self-respect or confidence.

If your son doesn't have a father that can train him like this, then I'd recommend looking for another man that can... a soccer coach, wrestling coach, etc... and then honestly tell that coach "my son is whiner, feel free to knock it out of him, I won't get in your way." And then don't. Your son will come home bawling his head off and begging to not have to go again. Be prepared for that. Don't give him a sympathetic ear.

I would tell my son "It's time for you to become a man. I've let you become a whiner, and I'm sorry about that. But, it's not too late. We're going to change the way we do things so you'll get tougher and become a man."

At home, when your son displays immature emotionalism over disappointments, etc... your response should be to either ignore him or leave him so that he has no audience, or to say pragmatically "Okay, so here is another opportunity for you to learn to be a man. Since you cried about that little thing, I am going to deprive you of _____."  (This will probably result in more crying the first few times.) "And since  you cried about that, I am going to deprive you of  _____ as well. Now go somewhere else to cry, I'm busy."  Do not show any signs of stress or weakness of resolve!

A tough, stoic sport would be a very good thing for the boy to learn... like a martial art...

Make sure to give your son lots of positive attention and emotional support WHEN HE IS BEING TOUGH. When he is focused on what he is doing, rather than himself, praise him for the job he is doing... for his manliness. Point out how well he maintained control of himself and tell him you are proud of him. Ask him for help frequently. Lifting, carrying things, doing "guy stuff" around the house. Let him hear you bragging about him to someone else... about what a man he's turning into. Make sure it's not "empty air" bragging though... let him accomplish real tasks that take real effort... even if you have to hammer him over it and keep him working all day. Then you can celebrate a real achievement.

I'm sure others will have some great advice on this subject, so I'll leave it for now. These are my opinions, but I do have some tough, happy, hard working boys that have enormous confidence... And they think I am the world's best mom... so don't worry about being "the bad guy."  They might make you feel bad when you're pushing them, but when they succeed - you'll get lots of back slaps and grins in return.

Beka

[MomOf8]

Thank you, Beka.  Well here is an example.  I went out in the snow (borrowed his boots).  I came in and he was upset(crying)  that I had gotten them all wet, and he had to wait to go out in the snow.  Later, he went out.  Some boys were throwing snowballs and a boy threw ice, which hit my ds right under his eye, with a pretty bad cut.  My ds started crying (justified this time?).  My dh got upset and was like--what is it now, son??  I told my ds that since he has been crying over little things that it is hard for his dad to have sympathy for him.  I was hoping that might be some kind of lesson, but I don't know. 

Thank you for your wise words!  I will take this advice.

[AndysJess]

I had to deal with something similar today with our almost 10 yo ds.  He was crying over some minor disappointment.  My husband, who works away from home for weeks at a time, has a very simple response to things like this..."suck it up."  I, very calmly, reminded ds of his age and gender, then asked if he was responding appropriately.  He wasn't, and he admitted it.  Then, he dried his tears and went and found something else to do.

There is a place for tears, and my husband, an extremely manly man, is not ashamed to shed them on occasion.  He just feels like they should be saved for something worthwhile.  DH is the same way with our son...if he gets into a pattern of crying over every little thing, he gets no sympathy for the big things.  One time, we even sat down with ds and went over a few things that were worth crying over.

I think one thing that helps with our ds is, when disappointments happen (and they do) and he deals with them in the correct way, acknowledge his disappointment...not in a "woe is me, life isn't fair" type of way, but let him know that you are aware of what he is feeling, but that you are proud of him for his self-control.

Ok...rereading Beka's post, I realize I'm kind of repeating the same things, but hope this helps some.

[Kansas Girl]

I'm wondering if this is common for boys of this age to go through.  My son is 9 almost 10 and has been doing this also.  It almost seems like they know its time to start letting go of acting like a child and start becoming a man, but the change kinda scares them???  Anyhoo, no advice just letting you know that we have been experiencing something similar around here.

[ladyhen]

Both of our sons went through a similar phase around that age.  It seemed, from my perspective, to be due to hormonal changes although possibly an awakening sense of maturity was a part of it.   The boys are both real good at communicating and expressed that they felt a bit out of control during this time.

It was around this time that I began to heap 'man-type' responsibilities and praise on our sons.   There are some great books written that are full of ideas for dads and sons.  We have  'Backyard Ballistics', for example, that has plans for building some wonderful weapons for target shooting.   Our oldest built a fort and weapons to defend it.  Conquering their world and defending women became the theme of their lives for a few years.   We even gave them the 'job' and monetary means of taking Mom or older sister  on a lunch date once a month or so.  Special times!

I agree with Beka that it is best to follow Dad's lead in dealing with this.  Boys and men have a very different view of themselves in relation to others and their world than women do and it usually isn't good for a mother to be too concerned about comforting growing boys. 

*of course, this is assuming that a child is in a normal, loving home with 2 parents*

[denim&lace]

Haha... I'm sorry...  I remember my dad once offering to change my brothers name to Opal and buy him a dress...    

But on a whole, my Dad spent a lot of time with us, gave us lots of good attention, spoke well to us and about us.  We were his pride and priority... and my brother doesn't seem to be too damaged from the experience.   

We grew up tough, so it was terribly unusual to see even the girls in our neck of the woods cry and carry on.  I broke my wrist when I was about 10 and 3 days later when we went to the doctor and he asked my Momma why she waited so long to bring me in, she exclaimed in exasperation, "Well, I didn't even know she hurt it till this morning when I saw it all swelled up and blue at the breakfast table and asked her about it!" 

And in my opinion, hard work is the very best cure for a whiny kid.  You don't even think to whine about the little things when you've spent the last three days digging fence post holes and both hands are covered in blisters and callouses, your arms, shoulders, and back are sore from the work, your covered in red clay from your head to your toes and your boots are full of rocks... but  you get to go to bed knowing you accomplished something useful that day!  What's a little water on the boots after all that? 

Not that I don't struggle in the same area with my boys.  My boys have had their share of whiny days, but I have come to realize that those days are far more common in the winter when we have a hard time getting outside to accomplish anything that resembles hard physical labor.  During the summer when they are mowing and raking lawns, fishing, cleaning and helping put up fish, cutting wood and stacking it, and sweeping parking lots, and helping build houses... they don't whine so much.  But I've had to stretch my creativity to come up with stuff for them to work at.       

As for winter time.  We have found that the sports of wrestling and competitive swimming are handy tools in the war against whiny boys.   

[MomOf8]

I see what you are saying.  One problem, though, -- school gets in the way (for me anyway).    I mean, I have to come up with most of the ideas for work since he spends more time with me at home.  It does take all day to get the "required" subjects done-homeschooling several dc.  High school gets even harder to manage.  So, after school, it just becomes playtime with the exception of a couple of easy chores, by mid afternoon I am tired.  Does anyone else feel that way, or am I just doing something wrong?  Even assigning harder, manly jobs takes my time and energy. Also,  most dads have just weekends to work with their dc, right?  and they are also tired from working all week.  Any thoughts?  Thank you everyone for taking time to help.

[ladyhen]

My husband's time with our children is very limited as well.   If you were to view our home as a military unit, Dad is the commander, I am his lieutenant, and the children are mere recruits.    

Dad and I spend time discussing the children; their strengths & weaknesses, their chores and jobs, and the future plans we want to direct them toward.  It's time well spent as we now have a definite PLAN.   He tells the children what he expects of them in a mostly general way.  He also makes it very clear that I will be directing the details of how they will accomplish their tasks. 

Dad will also give daily assignments for things from time to time.  He either talks to the child the night before or in the morning or he leaves a note for them. 

NOW,  all of the expectations for school, work, chores, spare time, hobbies, etc. have been well communicated to the children.  They know what is expected.  They know, too, that I am there to help, encourage, and support them in their assignments.    But I, like them, am accountable to my dh for following through with his expectations of us.  I do NOT shield the children from him or encourage disobedience.   

I certainly isn't easy, I agree with you.  I have volunteered my children to do yard work for the elderly in our church.  I have had them help the widows in our neighborhood.  I have taken them out to take care of a stretch of road, picking up trash, that we sponsored in memory of our Pastor's son.   I've picked up clothing at a children's and maternity second hand store that the buyer had refused and we brought it home, sorted, washed, mended, and took it to a children's crisis shelter.   We have gone to a Christian youth camp before they opened for the summer and spent a week cleaning and repairing the facilities.  We've baked bread to give as gifts for a ladies meeting at church.  My youngest son enjoys his snow shoveling clients that don't/can't pay him as much as the ones who pay him well.   I've taken them to nursing homes to give concerts.   I just made up my mind that I would work hard to build their character and honor my husband.  It is well worth the effort. 

[Homeschool_Newbie]

I see what you are saying.  One problem, though, -- school gets in the way (for me anyway).    I mean, I have to come up with most of the ideas for work since he spends more time with me at home.  It does take all day to get the "required" subjects done-homeschooling several dc.  High school gets even harder to manage.  So, after school, it just becomes playtime with the exception of a couple of easy chores, by mid afternoon I am tired.  Does anyone else feel that way, or am I just doing something wrong?  Even assigning harder, manly jobs takes my time and energy. Also,  most dads have just weekends to work with their dc, right?  and they are also tired from working all week.  Any thoughts?  Thank you everyone for taking time to help.

Momof8- In regards to school, I have always heard that the high school years are *supposed* to be easier on mom because the kids are supposed to be pretty independant at that point. I'm not there yet-- can someone please chime in on this?  The Boyers www.thelearningparent.com  have 14 children, and mom spends no more than 3 hours a day of her time homeschooling. Exactly how she achieves this, I do not know... but I know they have lots of books and probably have the answer on their website.   Maybe we can start a thread about school days that take too long...? You are not the only mom I've heard of that has a long school day... but I also hear of many that keep it short as well.

[denim&lace]

Well, my daughter is not in high school yet.  She's 13 and would be considered an 8th grader in ps.  She is fully responsible for her own education.

She wants to become a veterinarian.  I've explained to her the ridiculous amount of school and the exemplary grades and high school transcript that just getting into vet school will take.  The rest is up to her.  If she does it, and I have no doubt that she can, then it will take a lot of effort and hard work on her part.  I do not ask what she's doing with her curriculum anymore.  I do compliment her, give her direction, look over things that she brings to me and critique her work.  I suggested and then took her to the pet emergency clinic near our home so she could ask to volunteer there.  She spends a couple of hours there twice a week.  I make sure she has the tools that she needs to accomplish this goal, and then I go cook dinner. 

The rest is up to her.  Her success or her failure to reach this goal will be on her shoulders.     

Modified to add: my daughter is also my greatest help in our home.  She can cook dinner while caring for a toddler and keeping up with the laundry.  She's a far better hostess than I am, always remembering to ask guests if they'd like a drink or something, and she's been insturmental in teaching the little ones how to help, and their abc's and such...   

[MommaK]

There isn't enough detail here to know exactly what the problem stems from. Here are some thoughts that come to mind on what makes "a man."

It's important for a boy to not be "protected" by his mother from his father. If dad tells him to go outside and play in the snow until he works off some energy, and the boy is back at the door in 5 minutes, crying that it's cold... and dad says "no" stay out there another 15 minutes... it's important that mom not show any sympathy or disagreement with dad. (You can make sure he puts on his coat before he goes out the door, but if he refuses to wear it, then he needs to feel the cold.)

I'm not talking about abuse from an unreasonably cruel man. Objectively judge your husband from another persons perspective and if he seems like a tough, but reasonable man then TRUST HIM against your own instincts when he is training your son.

Boys are made physically tougher... they need to experience hardships that girls don't need to experience. They need to feel the thrill of overcoming the odds, of being tougher than the elements, etc... without this they'll have no self-respect or confidence.

If your son doesn't have a father that can train him like this, then I'd recommend looking for another man that can... a soccer coach, wrestling coach, etc... and then honestly tell that coach "my son is whiner, feel free to knock it out of him, I won't get in your way." And then don't. Your son will come home bawling his head off and begging to not have to go again. Be prepared for that. Don't give him a sympathetic ear.

I would tell my son "It's time for you to become a man. I've let you become a whiner, and I'm sorry about that. But, it's not too late. We're going to change the way we do things so you'll get tougher and become a man."

At home, when your son displays immature emotionalism over disappointments, etc... your response should be to either ignore him or leave him so that he has no audience, or to say pragmatically "Okay, so here is another opportunity for you to learn to be a man. Since you cried about that little thing, I am going to deprive you of _____."  (This will probably result in more crying the first few times.) "And since  you cried about that, I am going to deprive you of  _____ as well. Now go somewhere else to cry, I'm busy."  Do not show any signs of stress or weakness of resolve!

A tough, stoic sport would be a very good thing for the boy to learn... like a martial art...

Make sure to give your son lots of positive attention and emotional support WHEN HE IS BEING TOUGH. When he is focused on what he is doing, rather than himself, praise him for the job he is doing... for his manliness. Point out how well he maintained control of himself and tell him you are proud of him. Ask him for help frequently. Lifting, carrying things, doing "guy stuff" around the house. Let him hear you bragging about him to someone else... about what a man he's turning into. Make sure it's not "empty air" bragging though... let him accomplish real tasks that take real effort... even if you have to hammer him over it and keep him working all day. Then you can celebrate a real achievement.

I'm sure others will have some great advice on this subject, so I'll leave it for now. These are my opinions, but I do have some tough, happy, hard working boys that have enormous confidence... And they think I am the world's best mom... so don't worry about being "the bad guy."  They might make you feel bad when you're pushing them, but when they succeed - you'll get lots of back slaps and grins in return.

Beka

Beka,
Can you  please describe this" empty air " bragging and give examples?

[ForeverGirl]

It's just what it sounds like. When a man brags about how great he is, and he really isn't... that's empty air bragging. When a mother brags about what a man her son is... and he's wimp, then that's empty air bragging. Plus she's teaching him to be the man that does a lot of empty bragging. 

I don't talk about what a hard worker Elijah is until AFTER he brings in a big stack of firewood. However, I might offer encouragement during the process "Yeah, man, you are strong!  Good job..."

I don't say what a great cook Rysha is until after she's made the banana bread AND cleaned up after the project. Then I can point out specific greatness:

"Rysha is a great cook BECAUSE she can read and follow a recipe and she can clean up after herself."

"Honey is a good cleaner BECAUSE she always asks me what else she can do, and if she did a good enough job before she goes to do her own thing."

Pointing out greatness is very important... but making up greatness is a lie that feeds insecurity and poor self-image.

 

Prov 25: 14 Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without rain.

25:27 It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory.

HTH's,

Beka

[Deb]

My older son went through that around that age too. My hubby told him he had something wrong with his tear ducts and if we couldn't get it to clear up he would have to go to the doc! Seems to have cleared up after that. Not much help, I know but it is about that age he was being expected more of , so maybe it is a I'm getting to be a man type thing?

[milothebean]

I was a horribly whiny child when I was young. I grew out of it.

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