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[civilwarwidow]

Hi everyone,

As I posted earlier, my daughter Holly Grace died October 20th. I never dreamed I would deal with a child dying.  I do okay, grieving is very day to day.  I am expecting number 4 this fall sometime... Time is going by and I am things are starting to settle down.  Her 6 month old twin is growing....  It seems like everything is going on without her, almost like we are getting use to her not being with us. I hate this...  I know that time goes on, but parts of me feel like I don't want anymore time to pass..  I feel like I am leaving her behind.   I have always felt like I have gotten Godly council here, and I am asking if anyone has some encouragement or ideas on how to move on. 

Thanks,
Heather
civilwarwidow useto beEvies mom.

[CKSMOM]

I wish I knew what to say.  The only thing I CAN say is I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is different for different people.  I guess that, yes, things here on earth are "going on" without her, but I wouldn't say you are "leaving her behind".  I believe she is with Jesus.  She is in a different place, but not "left behind".  And, I think things are "going on" (happening) THERE without US right now.  But what a blessed joy it is to think that you will be together again, and the more time that passes, the closer you are to being with her again.  I don't know if that makes much sense, just my ramblings...but my heart hurts for you and our family will pray for you.   

[RunAmokFarm]

Dear Heather,
I don't believe there is an easy answer that "fits" everyone. 

As your daily life unfolds and you watch Holly Grace's sister growing and changing so rapidly, I am sure it does seem like life is moving on far too quickly.  Each day brings more "clutter" to fill our minds; our memories begin to fade... but honestly, it has only been 4 months -- Of course you are still grieving... I think, for many people, it is normal to almost "resent" each day that takes us "farther" from our loved one's physical memories.

In truth, until you see her again, there will always be a "missing" part of you... but as time goes on and your grief begins to temper itself, your knowing that her life didn't "end" - your knowing that she simply took her first breath in heaven -- this will bring about a peace and comfort the world cannot understand.

I don't know if I can clearly word what I am thinking, but I will try... (and I want to clarify, what I am going to say is not in relation to any responses I would expect from those here -- I mean this in a more generalized way...)

I worry that some believers may not be allowed to go through a normal grief process because they feel guilt, deeming their deep sadness as a "lack of faith", or perhaps other believers inadvertantly trample through their grieving process, citing they are not "supposed" to grieve, "because their loved ones in Christ are not really dead".

Of course this knowledge should, absolutely (!) modify our grief -- turning it from the deep hopelessness of one who believes their loved one is forever lost, to the knowledge and joy that we will see our loved one in Christ again... however, there is still an immediate and very real loss we feel.  It is ok to grieve the loss of our loved one's presence...  It is ok to miss their smile, their touch, their scent...  The Lord gave us this deep capacity for love, and it doesn't stop just because we can no longer see them. 

I don't believe there is a time-limit on our grief...  While time does begin to fill in our days, and we eventually become caught up in the "present" (we work, love, laugh, play with our children, and enjoy our lives) it is still quite normal, and acceptable, to cry even decades after a loved one has gone home.  Does that make sense?
J

[JesiRaine]

Heather,

My heart aches for you -- there's no way I could understand fully what you have gone through with such a deep loss.  I pray that you find small bits of comfort each day. 

I do agree that you need to let yourself grieve.  I also know from experience that there are so many layers in the grieving process, and each layer can bring it's own difficulties.  When you first suffer a loss, there's that first grief that is experienced.  However, there does come a time when your life transitions into a normal flow again.  There can be a tremendous amount of grief just in this transition, too.  A grieving for the life that you left behind before your loss occurred and a grieving for the life that you won't have but would have had if you hadn't lost your child. 

It's such a hard time to experience -- almost like going through the loss again.  I know how hard it is after a deep loss to connect with "normal life" again.  Your experiences change you so much that you feel like you can't join in where you left off.  I think the biggest thing to remember is that you're grieving not just for your child but for the life you were living that has now changed it's path. 

I would tell you to realize that you're grieving for this loss as well.  The thing that has helped my the most is realizing that God understands what I am going through and loves me so deeply and is shaping the path of my future, no matter where that is going (Psalm 139).  He also knows and loves your child. 

So life will be very different and it hurts that it won't be the same.  Sometimes it hurts deeply when you see that life is the same for other people around you, but it's been changed forever for you.  My advice would be to rest in God and let yourself go through this second mourning.  In Psalms, David went through a lot of deep mourning.  He knew God was with him, loved him, was directing him, but David still went through the emotions of grief and sadness. But he knew where to get his strength and hope as well.  God was with him as he went through all these stages. 

 Psalm 71:3 Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort : thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress.

Thank you for reaching out for help. 

Jesi

[FarmWife]

My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry.  I don't think there really are any answers.  It is a journey, a process and it takes a different path for each person.  I can tell you that the first year will be the hardest.  There will be all of those firsts without her.  You have that daily reminder with her twin.  I think crying is a big part of the process.  When you need to cry, go ahead and cry.  If it upsets your other children, maybe you could step into the bathroom or the bedroom for a short time.  Ask the Lord to give you the grace you need minute by minute. 

I saw this saying one time on  plaque.  I have never seen it since...

Sometimes God calms the storm.  Other times He holds the child and lets the storm rage.  I will pray that you feel His sweet arms around you, holding you close to Him.  I pray that He will fill that void with Himself. 

Come here when you need to sweet Sister.  Come and ask for prayer and encouragement.  I will be praying for you. 

[civilwarwidow]

Well Holly has been gone 4 months today.  I miss her so much, her sister is doing so many things now.  I look back and Holly did so many things really early.  She smiled all the time, she cooed almost like she was interacting with you, she laughed out loud.  I realize maybe those were gifts from the Lord..  The morning before she died, she had a "talk" with my hubby, just some time cooing and smiling together.  I am ashamed that I was too busy getting things done, and I didn't take that time, I will forever have that regret.  I went to the doc this week and I am almost 3 months pregnant.  I am scared that something may happen to this baby. I wish I could ask my hubby to cover me in prayer,  I was so proud of him, he was a man during the days after her death and during her funeral.  He grew up a lot that day..and I must say we grew together.  I understand that we are wired differently men and women.  He seems to have to moved on more than me.  I asked him one day if he hurt all the time, he said only when he thinks about it.  That he could put it out of his mind.  I told him that I hurt all the time....he told me that I was her mother and being a mother is different than being a father.  I think he may be right.  I know where Holly is, I know she is okay, but I long to be close to her, to touch her.  I appreciate you listening to this.  I had so many people tell me that I could talk to them anytime if I needed them, but I found out that very few acutally ment it.

Thanks again,
Heather

[ladyhen]

Heather,
I hope that you feel that we are a group of friends that you can talk to whenever and however much you need to.     

Grief is just so hard.  It's hard for other people who love you to see you grieve, but mostly it is SO hard for you - the one who feels the loss.   
A granddaughter of ours died 4 yrs ago next month.  She was only a year old.   I'm so proud of her parents who, like you said, grew up so much through that time.  But it certainly left scars on them and our dd has said the same thing you just did; that she seems to sorrow more than her dh over the baby's death.   She has since had another baby and the pregnancy was scary for her.  She and I have talked about this new baby getting close to the age that the baby died and how frightening that is for her, the mom that lost a baby. 
You'll always remember your dear baby Holly.  The times that you were with her were important and the special time that your hubby had with her was special, too.   You'll keep those memories dear.  Don't blame yourself too much for things that were not done or said.   It's all just the way the LORD knew it would be - - - and you will hold her again one day. 
Sorry if that all sounds too ,  uh, small or trite.  It's so hard to say the right things the right way to one who is hurting so much. 
We love you here, Heather.  We are praying for you. 

[civilwarwidow]

If you wouldn't mind I would like to share a few memories of her. I have very few clear memories  I guess I was just so tired.

I remember nursing the girls. Chloe was smaller than Holly, she wasn't as filled out, her cheeks were very narrow, I couldn't get her to latch on. But not Holly she nursed like a champ. She loved to eat... Holly was born with chubby cheeks just a little hair. She weighed 6lbs12oz.

One day while I was bathing the girls, I was taking Holly to the tub. I went a head and stripped her down.  I had gotten her to the bathroom.  I would always hold her up in the mirrow and smile and talk to her.  My 4year old Evie comes in and slips all the way on the floor.  I looked and  Holly pooped all the way from the bedroom down the hall to the bathroom.  Me and Evie never laughed so hard ever.

One night I awoke to someone staring at me... Holly was awake in her crib staring and smiling at me through the rails.  I remember smiling back and rolling over going back to sleep.  I was stupid, I should have gotten up and just held her, but  I didn't.  I was trying to help them make good sleep habits. 

Thanks for letting me share,
It makes me happy to share her with other people.

Heather

[boysmama]

Heather, I'm crying for you and chuckling at the story. You've been on my mind often since you first posted here. Praying for you. 

[denim&lace]

Heather-I'm thinking and praying for you.  I am sorry for your loss.

[sohnnenstrahl]

Heather, thank you for sharing those memories about her. It's an honor.

[nursegirl]

Heather,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost one of my twin boys almost five years ago, when he was 7 weeks old.  I still think about him every day.

I know you feel like you are leaving Holly Grace behind, but you're not.  Every day that passes brings you closer to the day when the two of you will be reunited.  I believe that she looks forward to that day just as much as you do. 

May you feel the peace of God, which passes all understanding.

Sarah

[civilwarwidow]

I know people say time heals,  I just don't feel like that is the case.  My 4year old dd is having a hard time.  I praying to God for wisdom on what I say to her.  She was afraid
for her and Chloe to go to sleep last night.  I told her that when we have Jesus we have nothing to fear not even dying.  I hate that I can't take this from her.  I don't want this to
change her if that makes sense?  I still cry 3 or 4 times a day.  I miss Holly everyday.
I worry that Chloe will have a part of her missing.  I am praying for the Lord to fill any holes.  I must admit I am scared to have this baby in Sept.  I wish I could ask my hubby to cover me in prayer.   Any advice on how to help my 4year old dd through this?

Thanks for listening,
Heather

[ladyhen]

Heather,

I completely agree with you that you can't possibly feel what people around you say you should feel.  They are saying that "time will heal" and you are still raw and sorrowing.  People say that you need to move on, that you have other children that need you yet you feel that you are 'stuck' on your grief for Holly. 
Honey, Holly being gone is an overwhelming reality to you.  It's been less than 6 months since her death and it seems, to me, to be completely normal for you to still be grieving and crying for your loss.  And of course you are concerned for your daughters dealing with this as well. 
There is just no way for anyone else to feel what you are feeling right now.  I mean, I can say that I understand it.  But that is based solely on my own experiences with loss and grief.   Many people, it seems to me, don't want to talk about or even acknowledge loss and grief.  I think the pain is so deep and people are afraid of letting someone vent their grief and tears.  The tears are so healing, though.  You need to cry for your loss -- for your family's loss.  It's okay that you are still missing her.  You always will miss her because she was a part of you.   It's okay to cry for her - for yourself - and for your other children.   It's okay to feel disappointment or anger about her death.  Heather, you are in a despairing time in your own life.  I can tell you that it will come to an end, but until you can see light at the end of this tunnel my words are merely another trite comment. 

I was so pleased to see an update from you this morning.  I was just praying for you.
My mother died unexpectedly 6 weeks ago.   I still can't grasp that she's gone.  I keep wanting to call her and have even picked up the phone and looked at it.   Grief is such a deep, deep valley.

[civilwarwidow]

Ladyhen,

Thank you for your response and prayers.  I am so sorry for your loss.  May God bring some peace to you today.   I appreciate you thinking of me.  It is a great comfort. 

Heather

[civilwarwidow]

I wanted to say Thank you for all your posts,prayers, and thoughts.

Hugs to you all,
Heather

[civilwarwidow]

Hi,

Yesterday was my dd's 5 birthday. My hubby and I took her and Chloe to the zoo.
We had such fun...what a blast.  But all day I was so sad,  I asked the Lord for
a sign that she was close... I know that is so silly, but I just wanted her to be
with us.  With Easter approaching as I am preparing,  I miss her so.  I am  now
4 months with number 4, and am still not excited.  I am starting to really show though,
I guess I am going to have to tell people soon.  I just don't want people to think that
I am having another one because we lost Holly, this was such a suprise baby, such a
direct blessing from above,  I want the world to see it that way too.

God Bless,
Heather

[FarmWife]

Heather, don't worry what others will think.  What matters is what is truth and you know the truth.  There will always be people that think the wrong thing and some of them feel the need to share that.  Ignore them.  People often say hurtful things thinking they are helping.  If they have not walked that path, they don't know. 

I don't believe that grief is healed by time.  I think as time goes on, we handle it differently.  You handle it how you need to.  Share memories of her, talk about her, cry if you need to. 

I am sending big hugs to you and I will pray. 

[civilwarwidow]

Today, Holly Grace has been in heaven 6 months.  Please take a minute
today and remember her with me. I thank God for her smile a gift that
will last forever.

Thank you,
Heather

[ladyhen]

       

Thanks for reminding us, Heather.    (((((hug)))))

I sent a nice, loving greeting card to our foster daughter last month and told her that I was praying for her.  It has been 4 years since her daughter died.    I told her that I remember her. 

But most people won't remember.    That's okay.    Loss is such a personal thing. 

[ridgerunner]

Today, Holly Grace has been in heaven 6 months.  Please take a minute
today and remember her with me. I thank God for her smile a gift that
will last forever.

Thank you,
Heather

I bet she's beautiful, walking along holding Jesus' hand... 

[denim&lace]

I'm thinking of Holly Grace today. 

[civilwarwidow]

Hi everyone,

I found out yesterday, that I am having a girl in Sept.  Yesterday was a very emotional
day for me and my hubby.  I am getting more nervous about what if I lose her too.  She really is a miracle, normally me and hubby have to try, I chart and pray to have a baby.
This time what a suprise and a blessing.


Thanks for your prayers,
Heather

[FarmWife]

I am praying that you can rest in the Lord and not let your joy over a new little one be stolen.  Congratulations!!!

[civilwarwidow]

The past 3 weeks for some reason have been really hard for me emotionally and physically.  I have felt really burdened and weak with grief and all other kinds of
emotions. I felt alone really alone.  I have just so much going on inside..  guilt, anger,
sadness,  just about everything.  Yesterday I was crying out to the Lord  for a answer or
help.. I hate calling people and just dumping.  I do not want to burden someone else.
For some reason I picked up a notebook and just wrote and wrote.  Nothing really organized and cried a little.  When I was done I felt so much better. I realized I think the
Lord has showed me how to help myself when I am feeling that way.  And this morning
I do not feel burdened.  Praise the Lord.  I don't write well, but I am so thankful for somewhere to put my feelings which sometimes are all over the place. 

Heather

[ladyhen]

Praying for you, Heather.   

I'm so glad that you found an outlet for what you feel.  Writing works so well for me, too. 

[civilwarwidow]

Good Morning!

I asking for prayer this morning.  The girls birthday is on July 17th.  I am trying to focus on Chloe and how glad I am she is here, but it seems the closer that day gets I am struggling with grief.  We don't really do much for birthdays just cake and a special
day for that person, but I find myself really feeling lots of intense feelings and  reliving
almost every moment on the day Holly died.  Please pray for me, I do not want to be this way on the twins first birthday and I am 30 weeks pregnant so I don't want to be so stressed out either. 

Thanks...so much,
Heather

[LearningLady]

Hi Heather

I am praying for you. Rest in God's strength when you are weak and his peace when you are stressed. Much love! LL

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