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[MomOf8]

This is sort of a continuation of the keeping your child's heart post a while back and making home the place to be.  So, we are starting to learn about gardening.  My ds and I were looking up information on potatoes, composting, etc. and he was having fun--even starting a list (writing ).  I had him go outside to look for some buckets, planters, etc.  Then, his friends came to our fence, and that was it.  He asked if he could go with them so I let him go, I thought he would be miserable hearing all of them out front while he was "stuck" with me.  I am just wondering, what would you have done?  Thanks for reading.

[sohnnenstrahl]

I would have invited the friends into the garden!

[MomOf8]

I know that sounds great, but realistically, I just don't think these guys would be that interested.  I wish it wasn't that way, though.  But, if I had invited them and they said no thanks, then what?

[sohnnenstrahl]

Lemonade? Seriously!

What about appealing to the hero inside each one, and asking for help with something manly about the garden?

[MomOf8]

That is a good idea, but you are saying that I should either have them join, or let my ds go?  But not tell them he can't play right now?  This could potentially happen everyday, though.

[Gabriel Anast]

Try it... you will be surprised I think.

In high school my mom and dad always had "open Friday nights" where we (I have two sisters and we are each two years apart) could invite any friends that we wanted to over for dinner... hamburgers usually.

It began with just a few friends, and usually did not work out to be much of a group, but rather each of us and our invited friends hanging out with eachother.

But... after a short time we each had quite a few "automatic" invitees. Mom and dad were cool with having 15 (or so) extras in the house. Dad painted a volley ball court on the street in front of our house, and we bought extra board games. We ended up having a blast across age groups, etc. The crazy thing was how popular our house was.

It often trumped dances, friend's parties, typical high school stupidity, etc. Not only that, but the group of friends that it attracted was interesting. Some kids didn't like it... and they were the ones that wanted to be doing something else (partying or something else irresponsible).

Suffice it to say, creating an environment of "functional family" was a huge attraction to most of our friends... even at high school age.

It is interesting that this was also true of our kids' local neighbor friends. We still have two boys that live across the alley from us. They are not the type of kids that we want our kids hanging out with or learning from, but we also need our kids to learn this and how to handle other kids that are out of control, etc.

So, when they would arrive at the back fence we would invite them into our yard and Beka or I would go out and work in the yard (on something) while they played. Maybe they would be cussing or maybe they would hurt someone or whatever. I would instruct them that they couldn't say / do that in our yard and instruct my own kids that their actions were inappropriate, etc. It was a real eye opener for our kids and even though they were often invited to play outside the yard with these kids, we just told them that they could not until they were older.

So, this forced a situation where the kids were getting a pretty clear understanding of the world in a safe context... and, if they wanted to, the neighbor boys could have learned to abide my rules and continue to come over from time to time. Heh... they lost interest.

Anyway... by the time that they are old enough / mature enough to go play / do things with friends, they will have a very clear understanding of my standards and how I handle out-of-control people / situations. They will also know that they can always come home and almost certainly find more instructive, better structured and (possibly) safer things to do. What they do with that will be up to them, but I can almost guarantee that my house will be the more fun, more amazing and more satisfying than anywhere else they can go. It already is.

--gabe

[MomOf8]

Gabe, thank you, that is helpful.  So, can you tell me around what age you think that they could go with friends?  I know I  have to take maturity level into consideration. 

Also, are you saying that I would have to invite them over every now and then, not everyday, right?  Can there be days I just tell them to come back another day, we are busy?

I am very willing to create the environment of "functional family", but it is a challenge  to include others, or it takes a lot of energy.

[Gabriel Anast]

Gabe, thank you, that is helpful.  So, can you tell me around what age you think that they could go with friends?  I know I  have to take maturity level into consideration. 

Obviously there are age levels where it won't be up to you, but in general, I would not predicate it on age at all... but on maturity, risk, physical ability, etc. For instance, my 8 year old is physically bigger / taller than almost any 9 year old I have met so far. I assume its just because Beka's side of the family has "tall" genetics. This does play a factor. I will probably let my kids do things earlier if for no other reason than that they "look" older... but that is a small factor.

More important is the reason they want to go with their friends, the likelihood of them being led by fools, etc. My objective for my kids is that they grow up. Not to the exclusion of enjoying life as a child, but... "enjoying life as a child" is not my objective for them. If playing with their friends is part of relaxing after chores or work or school... then great! That is better than video games, TV, whatever. On the other hand, make sure that all of the other things you wish to accomplish with / for them today are accomplished... and that playing with friends fits into that.

Then, if they don't have the capacity to be wise on their own, make sure that the playing occurs where you can instruct them (and their friends if need be). Not every child leaves foolishness behind, but everyone of them surely begins with a great deal of it. Maturity is (by one definition) the simple lack of foolishness. In an adult, the Bible measures this by a person's fear of God... the beginning of wisdom... when / where a person fears God, in that place / time, they lack foolishness.

Also, are you saying that I would have to invite them over every now and then, not everyday, right?  Can there be days I just tell them to come back another day, we are busy?

Its your house, and your children. Its your schedule! You're the boss.

I am very willing to create the environment of "functional family", but it is a challenge  to include others, or it takes a lot of energy.

I agree. It does. Don't burn yourself out on the neighbor kids. If we have neighbor kids that like to invite themselves over a lot, we just start chores when they come over. lol. Most get the idea and are careful about how much they come over... some enjoy the work and are a great benefit!

There is one girl in particular that is an amazing worker. She is eight I think, and can and will do as much work as any of our kids. Its great having her over!

--gabe

[MomOf8]

Okay, thank you Gabe.  One other thing,  shouldn't I also be teaching my dc to "entertain" themselves(not including t.v./video) at times?  Shouldn't I be guiding them to find things to do on their own also, so that they don't become dependent on having someone to "entertain" them.  Couldn't that become a problem if when they are bored, the quick, easy fix is to find others to satisfy their boredom?  Thank you again.

[horsemama]

I am very willing to create the environment of "functional family", but it is a challenge  to include others, or it takes a lot of energy.

Yeah, and sometimes a lot of money  too!    We have a lot of teens hang around here on weekends, they enjoy the farm / family environment. I feed them all, and boy can they EAT!   I'm not complaining, we are willing to foot the bill for our kids' sake. We like having them here.

It's also interesting, when there is work to do, which ones pitch in, and which find something else to do...... last weekend we had a burst water pipe, and only 2 of the guys grabbed a shovel and went with my son to start digging it up........ ;  This was a good lessons for our daughters to observe.........

[Homeschool_Newbie]

Just a thought: If your son leaves and plays with his friends when he is supposed to be helping in the garden, isn't he abandoning his commitment? Seems to me that the choice should be "have your friends help, or play with them later... but you made a commitment to help in the garden today."

[MomOf8]

I see what you mean, I guess it was my idea about the garden, he went along until something "better" came along.   

[Gabriel Anast]

Okay, thank you Gabe.  One other thing,  shouldn't I also be teaching my dc to "entertain" themselves(not including t.v./video) at times?  Shouldn't I be guiding them to find things to do on their own also, so that they don't become dependent on having someone to "entertain" them.  Couldn't that become a problem if when they are bored, the quick, easy fix is to find others to satisfy their boredom?  Thank you again.

I don't know who said this... but I know its on 7xS somewhere:

"We don't have any bored kids... just self-entertained kids or working kids."

--gabe

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