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[civilwarwidow]

My husband yells...to express every emotion other than happiness.  You think I would
use to it by now.  But I am not... In the family that I was raised in we did not raise our voices, yelling was wrong and disrespectful also hurtful. Well I get yelled out many times a day.  I need some help in dealing with this.  I try and just listen and use gentle words.  Then my husband just goes on like nothing happened.  No apology nothing. 
Any wisdom, on how I can deal with this without it getting to my heart.   He even yells about me about other people and what they do.  He does talk  too, so he knows the difference.  Example:  This morning he forgets his cell phone, he gets a restricted call.   He thinks it is a friend  who blocks his number. So he calls him back, well it wasn't him,it was someone trying to sell him something.  His friend whom my husband thinks is wonderful, gets angry because he is in the middle of something and thinks my husband is bugging him.  So he calls me yelling very loudly for about 20 minutes are so.  I told him I was sorry for the mixup...  This goes on everyday.  You think I would have a thick skin by now after 10 years of marriage, but it still makes my heart weep every time.  I have tried to stand up for myself or later on talk about it but it doesn't work. 

Any thoughts,
Heather

[uptrapperdansgirl]

I just want to share a bit of my own trials and triumph with yelling. I understand how hurtful it can be when your husband yells at you. The ones you love the most have the ability to hurt you the deepest. Only because of your love for them, but after all our love is supposed to be long suffering, kind, holds no record of wrongs.

I was a yeller. I still yell on occasion. Everything I do was/sometimes still is "passionate" (I like that word better)  loud or talks with emphasis!  For a long time it was a habit, yelling when I was mad, to get someone attention, even when I was trying to have a productive argument I would end up yelling. It was frustrating! I didn't like to yell, no one around me liked it, but it was really hard to change it. It was one of those things I had to fight to overcome. 
     It was hard to see the change because it happened over time, but I have come a thousand miles! I hardly ever yell and I am quite calm most of the time.  I don't really have any advice, just wanted to share my own struggles so that you can see the other side. I am sure that he doesn't like to be this way, but he has been responding this way for so long that its a habit and he doesn't hardly notice.   my dad was a yeller. My dad is still very boisterous and loud and I wouldn't have him any other way.   My husband very very rarely yells, but I cringe when he does. When the yelling is angry words it is no phone for the yeller or the one getting yelled at.

And I just had to smile when I read this

In the family that I was raised in we did not raise our voices,

I dare say that your husbands family yells....?  Its so neat that God would use you to help your husband. I believe God had it all worked out from the beggining. It would have been to your husbands demise if he married someone that also yelled. Imagine your children growing up that way.....Your husband needed you and it will be thru your chaste conversation that helps him walk in victory. My husband isn't a yeller and I imagine that it would have been harder if we both struggled with this. His patience and quietness helped me so much! I wanted to be like that and I could see how much better others responded to his calm nature. So hang in there! I hope I helped you some. Many hugs, love and prayers from the our home to yours!

sincerely,

a recovered yeller 
 

Edited to add:  after some thought and reading other replies I have to say that not all yelling is meant to be mean.  My yelling was the result of uncontrolled anger. Now I have been free of this torment for some time, but I am still "passionate" (theres that word again ) at times when I talk or deal with my children.

[RunAmokFarm]

What I am going to say is probably not the "right" thing - but our families clearly work together differently.  My husband was also raised in a yelling home - things that were said were really awful, and I will just leave it at that.  On my side, my family also yelled - not so "awful" in content, but loud in times of stress or anger.

We have come a LONG way since then - but we can, on occasion, still be "loud".    

In the case of your cell phone incident, I probably would have listened and possibly briefly sympathized...  Then, if the rant continued, I would have told him it was unfortunate, but not my fault his "friend" was being a jerk... then, if he continued to yell AT me, I would likely have raised my voice back to him (with a slightly angry, slightly "Oh I know you can't possibly be talkin' to me that way!?" tone) - telling him what his friend had done had nothing to do with me -- but if he was that angry, then he should call his friend and deal with him. 

If he continued yelling AT me, I would yell something like "I sure didn't marry very well, did I?"  Then... there would be a moment of silence...  AND, at this point, it would break the tension, my husband would LAUGH and say something like "I think you got that backwards!"

At this point, we would both laugh -- and I would tell him he better stop being a big bully or he might want to eat out  , and then ask what he wanted for dinner.     For our family, interplay like this just works.  For some families, I am sure this sounds horribly disrespectful.

Please understand, I am respectful to my husband.  I absolutely ADORE and respect him!!!!!! but he does not like a push-over for a wife!  If I were to "take" his unjustified ranting at me, it would only irritate him...  In person, standing up, stomping my foot, perhaps throwing a dish towel at him - these are things he finds "saucy" and "spirited"... and it makes him laugh instead of angry.  (Course, his mother was a tiny little gal, but was a very good aim with plastic coffee cups  , so...  he expects, and even desires, a little spunk.)

Again, each family works differently, so I am not suggesting you respond in this manner... though, considering your husband's background, standing up for yourself a bit might catch his attention?! 
J
 

[provided4]

My husband is boisterous. He talks loudly . He doesn't actually yell, per se, unless he's really mad. But for along time he got under my skin with his loudness. Last year he was suffering awful headaches and telling me he thought he was hard of hearing...turns out he had such earwax build-up he ended up in the ER to have it removed! He was better after that...but lately he's loud again and instead of silently stewing I finally said to him....sweetly...honey! You are yelling! Stop yelling at me! To which he was really taken aback....he claimed he was not yelling at me. He really has no idea how loud he is. Once I told him to tone it down it was easier the NEXT time to tell him. I'm sorry to say I have to say it a lot....he doesn't get mad at my telling him, and I don't get my feathers ruffled .  I simply whisper " honey....you're too loud!". He is especially loud on the cell phone but I ignore that. I don't think the people on the receiving end hear it loud...because he's not loud to me when I talk to him on the phone. My sister used to tell me he had an "angry liver." Yes he did have some drinking issues but I would suspect a health issue could not be ruled out. Supposedly liver issues create anger? Made sense to me! I don't think it would hurt to pray and seek a way to tell him plain and simple he is just too loud and you feel like a little kid being berated. I'm not sure it was the best way or the right way but it finally was the thing that changed things around here!

[denim&lace]

Wow, I thought I was the only one here with such a passionate husband!   

When my husband yells at the kids I figure that if it works for him, then hey, it works for him.  But, if it stops working for him then he'll figure out a new way.  That's between him and God.  God is a much better teacher for my husband than I am.  My kids will not be as 'emotionally scarred' by that as they would be if I got all worked up and involved and made them feel like victims.  I know my husband's loud voice is intimidating, but he isn't going to harm them physically.   

Our relationship works a lot like RunAmoks...  Kinda.  If my husband called me yelling at me like you described I would have said something along the lines of, "Hey, I didn't do anything to you, so if you keep yelling at me I'll be forced to hang up."  And if he yelled again, I would hang up.   

I don't get terribly offended when my husband yells at me anymore, but then again, I don't allow myself to be yelled at much either.  I tell him to stop yelling at me and we can talk or if he must keep yelling I have things to do outside or at the store.  I am not rude about it, I simply am not his whipping post and I will not stand there and let him whip on me... I have feet, I'll walk away.   

My family didn't yell either.  All my Daddy had to do was put on his 'Daddy voice' and we all stood at attention...  We were far more afraid of a low deep rebuke than we were of a yell, cause if Daddy was yelling, he was playing.    So my husband's ways really threw me off guard.

 The thing is, my husbands passion, that drew me to him.  I don't want him to stop being him, I just WILL NOT be his victim.  If my kids don't see me fearing his loud voice, they aren't going to be afraid of it either.  But that driving, passionate, pushy, command man... that's who I married and I love that about him.  (though it took me a while to figure all that out and accept my husband for who he is)     

[RunAmokFarm]

I love how we are each called to be our OWN husband's helpmeet.  It is such a learning process, as melding two, separate personalities into ONE is a miracle only God can do...  As we all know, it can be a painful process.   

As we mature and become "one", while our calling is the same, the implementation can be very different.  Each wife has to adapt in a unique way to meet her own husband's unique personality and, thus, his needs.  I love the description of these "passionate" men!  My husband's strength and outward roughness is one of the main reasons I fell for him.  Guess I love that "bad boy" exterior.      For all his roughness, he has a heart of gold, and is one of the most generous men I have EVER known... but again, he's no push-over - and that is one of the traits I love most.

When it comes to yelling; while we are miles from where we began in our marriage (as in, we do not yell like we used to when we were younger) I always figure "loud" is who he is and where he came from.  He has changed so much - but honestly, it is when he is quietly moody, then I worry something BIG is brewing.  <grin>

In a situation where things are getting too loud, I don't want my husband to feel disrespected, but as D&L said, I am not a whipping post either.  Sometimes there is simply a fine line, depending upon the situation.  When a husband is truly upset (over whatever, big or small) wisdom and discernment is vital... and when deflecting unjust verbal blow-ups, timing is everything.  There have been a few times when I, admittedly, have inadvertantly caused a big argument, because my heart was not right as I demanded my "rights" to be treated "fairly".    

I am still practicing holding my tongue, as well as "timing" for when I DO stomp my foot and say "enough!"  In most cases, a quiet voice turns away wrath... but, sometimes a mighty voice from a spunky wife has worked very well for me. 

**I asked my husband about this before writing again, and he confirmed, most of the time, he really prefers me to be a bit "saucy"... Again, some men would really feel disrespected if their wife yelled, stomped her foot, or threw a dish-towel at them.  Mine prefers me to tell him up front if he is being a bully - on a few rare occasions, I have even told him he was acting like a big jerk.  Done with a right heart, good comedic timing, and a saucy flourish, it works for us.  Go figure.  (For reference, he thinks it is funny when I call him a "bully". )
 
I may be wrong, but I don't think there could ever be a "one size fits all" answer in these situations, because each husband (and wife) is so different...? 
J   

[denim&lace]

Thank you RunAmok.  I almost didn't post, because I didn't want to be responsible for somebody dishonoring their head.      Different situations do require different 'right actions'. 

My husband was attracted to me because I wouldn't be his whipping post.  When I worked for his mother's company, he liked that when he came rumbling through trying to intimidate everybody that I would not duck my head or try to look small.  I straightened my shoulders, held my head high and looked him right in the eye almost daring him to start something with me.  He appreciated that about me I guess.  The years that I was trying to be what I had pictured as a submissive wife were the most disastrous of our marriage.  I did need to learn to submit to him, but to do so in respect of who he is and who I am... not as a sappy, wimpy, "whatever you say, dear" kind of way...   

However there are times when, if my husband were yelling at me, the right action on my part may be, "You are right, I should have ______.  I am sorry."  There are times when the right action would be, "I'm willing to talk to you if you want to talk, but I am not going to stand here and let you yell at me." and walk away.  And then there are times when the right action may be giving him a big slimy wet willy! 

For me offering a quick prayer asking God for discernment and wisdom are necessary when these kinds of situations arise.

And I have to agree with RunAmok, there isn't a one size fits all answer to this question.  It's one of those things that God uses to teach us and grow us...  It's our training ground and some of us need different parts trained than others.          

[zoe]

Yelling- I was terrifyed when my husband used to yell at me because at home there was no yelling, my parent were very gentle and calm people. His family always was loud so he didn´t mean to make me afraid-but I was. I used to break into tears when he raised his voice at me. So he learned to be more gentle and calm when we had an argument and i learned not to be such a overy sensible girl i used to be. Still when he gets really angry there is yelling and I feel afraid when this happens. That s the way my husband is and I must say I do not like it and after a thunderstorm when everything is calm I tell him that I don´t like it when he yells. But after so many years I know that i will not change his temper and his personality. I know he loves me so much and I know I have to get over with some things I do not like. When he was beeing unfair and sometimes that happens to all of us, he appologizes and that is very good and so we can move on. When he was right I just think maybe i deserved the yelling at me. What he learned is, that when he sees tears coming into my eyes he usually stops his tantrum immediatly and knows he went to far. but i don´t cry easely so it s an alarm sign when i do.
I know also there are things that really bother him, for example when I just don´t talk anymore, that happens when I´m really really angry, i don´t yell, I get very very calm  and the just shut up and do not say anything anymore just watch. My husband can´t stand emotionnally when he does´nt get an answer and same  as he can´t help but yell sometimes, I can´t help but freeze sometimes. that s how I am and I tried to change but it still happens sometimes as his yelling happen sometimes. so we both have to cope with each other personnalities. (btw my freezing terrified my childen bc they knew they had really crossed the line and my next step would be a punishment)

zoe

[khurtsmom]

Wow, I see so much me in here that I am still trying to change.

With the phone call thing, if My husband calls up angry at something like that I can't help but see the humor in it and usually state ho funny it is while laughing, he usually can't yell anymore at me about it cause I just flustered him, then he ponders it and usually starts laughing too.  Funny how we are each equipped to deal with our OWN husbands so uniquely.


I have a yelling problem which is actually 10 times better then it was a year ago, but it has been a long road so far and I still have a very long road to travel still. I pray daily for Joy in the Lord for my children, sometimes they can just frustrate me so badly, then I get mad at myself for training them wrong, then I'm yelling at everybody and the only thing that seems to stop me is when my husband starts laughing at me, which instantly confuses and defuses me. Thank the Lord for such a wonderful husband. I do know about the silent anger, I do that when I reach an ultimate state of anger, my husband usually ignores me and the kids get really quiet and are very very good. hmmm... maybe I should try to get very quiet when I want to yell, and see if that works....

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