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[khix]

Need some ideas/advice/wisdom/shared experiences regarding marriage and money/finances...especially when the dh & the dw don't have the same money "personality".

How do you handle & resolve differences?  How do you make compromises/sacrifices?  How does a wife discuss such issues with her dh in a godly, respectful way? 

And yeah, ultimately, we trust God with it all because obviously God is the one who owns it all, but some practical nuts & bolts type of answers would be helpful!

[lovetoreadmom]

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey?  Go to his web-site www.daveramsey.com, which has some very practical tips on this subject and getting started down a path that brings the personalities together. 

HTH

LTRM 

[amy3js]

I like Dave Ramsey too.  He archives his show on his website so you can listen to it for free online.  We don't agree with everything he says, but we love that he is level headed, straight forward and very down on debt. And he talks a lot about how finances affect a marriage and gives advice on that too.

[khix]

Thanks, ladies.  I will check the site out.

------------------

Update:  I found some helpful articles!  Thanks!

[khix]

I'm really struggling with being at peace with my dh's different views/habits about money/finances, and with just trusting God with our money (or lack thereof,  LOL!).  Please pray for me!

[~esposita~]

khix, a couple of passages that really have calmed my heart/spirit in the past:

Luke 12:22-34
Matthew 6:24-34

I will pray for you when you come to mind!

[khix]

I'm still struggling...it's driving me crazy, really.  I guess I'm not trusting God like I should...after all, it's His money, right?

So, if dh wants to spend our little bit of money foolishly (well, what I think is foolish) and cause us not be able to pay bills, then who am I to be upset, right?  I am not dh's mother or holy spirit, so he can do what he wants, right?  If God thinks dh is being foolish, then God will handle it, right? 

(can you tell I'm trying to talk myself into having a better attitude and out of being bitter?)

Will God still take care of me & the kids even if dh is being foolish?

Is it my place at all, ever, to be upset about how dh does not seem to take our finances seriously?  Is it my place to tell him, ask him to be more responsible?  Dh is  a free spirit...he does not want to be bound by any constraints...he is a rebel at heart...if someone tells him he can't do something, it makes him want to do it more....and it seems that the less money we have, the more he wants to spend it.  Why is he like this, and how am I supposed to respond to such a personality?

I tried handing over the checkbook & bills to dh....that did not go well.  He refuses to know how much we have vs. how much we owe.  It's like if he doesn't acknowledge the problem, then it doesn't exist or it will cease to exist.

Why is he like this?  How do I respond? 

Please pray....for me, I suppose.....even though dh may be wrong, I know I'm wrong too....I guess I'm just weary of (seemingly) always being the one who changes/learns/grows....I'm weary, but I will press on.  I know I am accountable for myself alone!

I would like for everyone to pray that dh gets a job & that we get caught up on bills, but I suppose that might not be what's needed here....pray for my attitude & for me to just LET IT GO!

-------------------------------------

A practical question:

When you are behind on all bills, and only have enough money to pay one or two bills, and you've asked dh, but he is not sure which bill to pay, then which one or two would you pay?

[GarlicMomma]

I have definitely been where you are thinking.  Just recently I was thinking of this and then it dawned on me: God has still provided after all these years in the midst of what I thought was foolishness or "______" --> whatever-ness.  That humbled me.  Still struggle sometimes.  It is God's money and He can persuade my dh however He sees fit.

A practical question:

When you are behind on all bills, and only have enough money to pay one or two bills, and you've asked dh, but he is not sure which bill to pay, then which one or two would you pay?

I like what Dave Ramsey says: pay for what keeps you living the day to day in your home. For example: your rent/mortgage, the food, the utilities, and the car to get to work. Tell the other bills the truth, you do not have the money and ran out after paying the basics.   I think the way Ramsey says it, it will end up costing you more if you are kicked out of your home then if you are in it with all the utilities off.  That is at least how I got the gist of it when I took the course last year. 

Personally, I have been real surprised that the amount needed for x,y, and z bills usually added up to the money I had available. It sometimes left a, b, and c bills for another cycle. It usually worked out in the end.

Remember, even this is a battle to fought with prayer. Take it all to Him. I have to remind myself of this too as I look on my desk to the pile of paperwork and bills waiting for me.
 
 

[Beth]

I have definitely been where you are thinking.  Just recently I was thinking of this and then it dawned on me: God has still provided after all these years in the midst of what I thought was foolishness or "______" --> whatever-ness.  That humbled me.  Still struggle sometimes.  It is God's money and He can persuade my dh however He sees fit.

A practical question:

When you are behind on all bills, and only have enough money to pay one or two bills, and you've asked dh, but he is not sure which bill to pay, then which one or two would you pay?

I like what Dave Ramsey says: pay for what keeps you living the day to day in your home. For example: your rent/mortgage, the food, the utilities, and the car to get to work. Tell the other bills the truth, you do not have the money and ran out after paying the basics.   I think the way Ramsey says it, it will end up costing you more if you are kicked out of your home then if you are in it with all the utilities off.  That is at least how I got the gist of it when I took the course last year. 

Personally, I have been real surprised that the amount needed for x,y, and z bills usually added up to the money I had available. It sometimes left a, b, and c bills for another cycle. It usually worked out in the end.

Remember, even this is a battle to fought with prayer. Take it all to Him. I have to remind myself of this too as I look on my desk to the pile of paperwork and bills waiting for me.
 
 

we were in a bad place one winter... hubby laid off, etc.... so that is basically what we did. Survival first. Tim said...."we won't die if they turn the phones off. But we do need a place to live, heat and food." So we paid the bills in that order. Of course the grocery  bill is very adjustable....you can live on beans and rice! We got through and turned the phones back on... actually we switched companies to a cheaper one. But they were off for a while. Tim was right....we didn't die! 

[khix]

Thank you, garlicmomma.   

About the bills....phone has already been cut....and it's more than just paying the basics...we are behind on the basics....3 months behind on land (foreclosure might be coming soon), 1 month behind on trailer, 1 month behind on car, 1 month behind on electricity, water is late, internet is late (to us/dh, this is a necessity...only contact with outside world...with kids' teachers, with my boss, etc...only way to send out resumes, etc), and not sure if I should pay homeowners insurance & car insurance this month, but if I don't...well, it's illegal to go without either.  If I pay house insurance this week, that leaves enough left for water bill, and a tiny part of land bill.  If I don't pay water bill, water gets shut off  (don't we need water?), but I can pay one full month's worth of land, but then house & car go 2 months behind.....It's stuff like this that I struggle with...plus, I'm trying & trying to cut back on everything...food bill, etc, but dh doesn't cut back on his spending at all....he keeps spending like we have no money problems at all....and it's frustrating.     I can't be the only one trying to make this work!  Don't we have to be on the same page?  Is there any way I can get him to see how serious this is, without me coming across as nagging & controlling?  Or do I need to come over to his "page" & be a free spirit too?

[GarlicMomma]

I think sometimes that I (wife) can only do my best.  I know for myself, I tend to hold on very tightly to the security I surround myself.  Then I find, the more I grip, the more it squeezes through my fingers.  By only opening my sense of security and letting God have it can I be at peace about it.

When I get myself in turmoil, I think this verse about myself:
"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;
Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand."
- Proverbs 27:15-16  NKJV

contentious = strife, contention, object of contention


Your dh may also just need to be confronted with the hard reality of money in/money out.  Be a shrewd business woman for your family. Pay what you can. Save what you can.  Keep very good records/copies of the bills you pay.  Briefly give financial facts when your dh husband says or you feel he is ready.  We have $"x" money and we have $"x" bills.  Don't go into the discussion more than this.  It may overwhelm/annoy/or simply not impress him.  He may not care.  Or it is too much for him to handle.   He may never want to see it until the sheriff comes to the door and puts the foreclosure sign on it.  And then, he may ask, didn't you pay that bill?  Yes, I paid or no, there was no money to pay it. Where did the money go?  That boat/engine/the movies/the flat screen TV, etc.....  Well then go sell that junk and get the house/land paid woman! Meanwhile, I need to go get a job at McDonalds.

One suggestion: call the insurance and see if you can a partial amount - even if it is for just a week or two's duration. Maybe you can't pay a month's worth of anything. Pay what you can from the basics.  Be truthful and explain the situation to those you owe money to.  Be truthful to your husband. Don't condemn. Be sweet. Please! I have made a mess before by not being those things.

And as a bit of encouragement, being 1 month behind on most things is really not that bad.  I know it seems to be, and bill/companies can pester without mercy.  But I am encouraged that most is only 1 month.

Praying for you khix. In help for you to act like a shrewd business accountant for your family. Separate yourself emotionally from it all. I know that it is against my nature and maybe for yours too.

"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much."
- Luke 16:10
See the servant story ahead of this in verses 1-9.  I find it thought provoking.

[Beth]

Thank you, garlicmomma.   

About the bills....phone has already been cut....and it's more than just paying the basics...we are behind on the basics....3 months behind on land (foreclosure might be coming soon), 1 month behind on trailer, 1 month behind on car, 1 month behind on electricity, water is late, internet is late (to us/dh, this is a necessity...only contact with outside world...with kids' teachers, with my boss, etc...only way to send out resumes, etc), and not sure if I should pay homeowners insurance & car insurance this month, but if I don't...well, it's illegal to go without either.  If I pay house insurance this week, that leaves enough left for water bill, and a tiny part of land bill.  If I don't pay water bill, water gets shut off  (don't we need water?), but I can pay one full month's worth of land, but then house & car go 2 months behind.....It's stuff like this that I struggle with...plus, I'm trying & trying to cut back on everything...food bill, etc, but dh doesn't cut back on his spending at all....he keeps spending like we have no money problems at all....and it's frustrating.     I can't be the only one trying to make this work!  Don't we have to be on the same page?  Is there any way I can get him to see how serious this is, without me coming across as nagging & controlling?  Or do I need to come over to his "page" & be a free spirit too?

This is just what I would do....take it with a grain of salt.....it does really sound desperate..... so, buy food and water first. Then pay what you  can on land and insurance. (I would look into the legality of them re-possessing if you don't pay homeowners.) Do you have just liability auto ins. make sure you specify "state minimum" that varies from state to state. If you have to have full coverage because you owe money on the car, I would think about selling and getting a cheaper car. If electricity gets shut off....well, maybe the seriousness of it will be realized. I would of course tell your dh that there isn't money to pay electricity so it may get shut off. At least it isn't cold and you don't need it for heat right now.... make sure you have candles and maybe some briquets to BBQ in the backyard. Get the camping equipment out if you have it and make use of anything usable.

If I recall you have been without elec. before, after a hurricane??? Do I remember that right? So you know how to do this. Might not be fun....but you could make it fun for your kiddos.  I think Beka talked somewhere about doing something similar when they had no power for a bit. Don't do it out of spite to make your hubby pay for his mistakes, but it would help him to see the importance of spending less on non essentials....

This just what I would do....thinking about it from a non involved point of view. Maybe you think I'm crazy....that's okay, you wouldn't be the first.

ps: internet is available for free at most libraries....just a thought.

[Mrs. B]

Khix...
Sorry to hear about all this happening.
I agree with what others are saying about the prioritizing... alot of wisdom there.
My husband is also not great with money.  He knows this about himself and also doesn't want to know dollar amounts as far as accounts.
If we get tight, I'll tell him, but other than that, he doesn't want to know.

One thing I started about 2 months after we were married 17 years ago was giving him an allowance.  I get one as well.  This way he has his own money to blow on whatever he wants, or to save for whatever he would like to have. 
This way he doesn't have to worry about how much money we have available or ask permission (?) for stuff.
We also only use cash for our monthly budget... that would be groceries, household stuff, school stuff and gas.  When the cash is gone, there is no more spending.

Also... I would call the  car loan company and make arrangements with them as well as the insurance company.  I'd pay the water bill as they usually have huge fees if it gets turned off to turn it back on.
I'd sell as much stuff as I could right now that you have in the house, and I would consider one or both of you getting 2nd or 3rd jobs, or finding some overtime as time and a half is generally better pay than a 2nd job would be.

[denim&lace]

Khix, 
I'm praying.  I agree with the other ladies that you should pay the necessities (food & water) and go from that point.  If the rest is taken, you can survive.  I do know it is stressful (been there, and I didn't hold up as well as you are doing dear lady) and I pray you strong and wise in this moment. 

[khix]

Thank you, garlicmomma...your words have been a balm to my soul.

Dh & I did talk a little yesterday afternoon....I managed to remain mostly unemotional about it (yes, against my nature, lol)....I feel he knows the seriousness of it now.  I told him that he only has $xx for gas money to last until middle of next week.  He told me, "well, you need it more than I do, because you're the one working right now."   

I still didn't know which bill to pay though....and neither did dh.  But, I did pay the water yesterday.  I will try & call some of the bill collectors tomorrow.  I cringe doing this, because they hear the same sob story from me every so often (dh has been unemployed before...but this is the longest time he's gone without working).  Last time I did this (around April/May, I think?), trailer & car people refused to work with us, but the land people agreed to take partial payments...and while partial payments helped us stay out of foreclosure, it did also serve to get us farther behind...but, anyway, I will call again & see what they say.  Pray for this...I'll be calling Friday...can't do it today, have to work.  I wish dh would do this, though...I just hate doing it.

We've been trying to sell things....but nobody's buying!  And the last couple yard sales we had, we hardly made anything.  I guess it's the economy?  Everybody's poor or worried, I guess.

And thank you everyone else.  Thank you for your prayers.

Beth, to answer your questions....if I don't pay home insurance, the trailer people will add it to our bill automatically, and their policy costs more.  If I don't pay car insurance (and yes, it's full coverage on one vehicle...liability on the other), the car lienholder will be notified.  I'm not sure if we could sell the car...I think we owe slightly more than what we could sell it for.  I'll have to ask dh about getting rid of the car & having one vehicle, but I doubt he'll go for this....if he ever does go back to work, what would we do then?  Yes, we had no electricity for 2 weeks after the hurricane.  We survived, but I think what helped was knowing that it was only temporary, that it WOULD get turned back on soon.  And down here in the south, it's no fun not having electricity (A/C!) in the summer (and it's still summer weather right now)....we'd rather go without heat in the winter than a/c in the summer, lol!  I don't know....I'll have to pray over this, and ask dh....I did have a peace about paying the water bill yesterday....but I felt I should hold off till at least Friday before making other decisions.

Mrs. B, I like the idea of allowance...but I'm afraid my dh would balk at the idea....I guess it won't hurt to talk to him about it, though.  Your dh was ok with it?  Is he a command man....a free spirit?  I know my dh doesn't like to be/feel controlled, so I'm wondering if me giving him an allowance would make him feel controlled?

And regarding the selling of stuff, pray that someone would BUY!  Selling does no good if no one buys it!

And I have 2 jobs...one as a p/t preschool teacher, the other as a sub at a local elementary school....but the sub job is not regular.  I've been looking for other work myself, but haven't had any luck!  No one seems to want to hire me!  I guess God wants me where I am?  (cause I've been praying!)  And pray for dh to get a first job!  Pray that he will earnestly look for and apply for jobs.  Pray then that he gets hired!  The jobs that he has applied for over the past year...well, no bites there either.  And that's another reason we need internet...job hunting...yes, our library has internet...but I'm wondering if the cost of gas to go to the library is cheaper than the cost of internet??  I'll have to figure that out.

Again, thank you ladies for your prayers & advice.  I am off to get ready for work now.

[briarmama]

Khix,

Is there any kind of temporary employment agency near you?  When we first moved out here my husband applied for one job after another.  It got to be very discouraging for him and wore down his self-esteem.  He finally signed up with a temp agency just to be bringing in some kind of money while he continued to look for a job.  He did all sorts of things from moving tables to data entry for about a year until he finally was hired for a job that he had applied for. 

The job that he did get and has been at for the last 12 years came soon after he was totally discouraged and finally gave up and told God that he obviously couldn't get a job on his own and God would have to provide one for him.  I wish I had been tuned in to thinking maybe something spiritual was going on with him and had been praying for him to trust God with the situation.  I don't know if this applies to your situation at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

[Beth]

I don't want to make you more unhappy..... but it just isn't right that you have a job and your husband doesn't.....I watched my husband's mom do this for years while her husband sat at home.  Sorry but that ain't right! JMO

Of course if he's ill or disabled somehow....that's different. But it seemed to me, in my MIL's case with her husband it was more laziness that just got worse, as she would take care of him and had more ambition than him. It got worse and through lack of exercise and just sitting around eating he eventually developed Type 2 diabetes. Once that happened he never worked again. We almost feel that if she just would not have worked and supported him, he would have gotten some ambition and went to work. The exercise and possibly eating less would have extended his life. He died at 56 from diabetes complications.

I am NOT saying this is the case with your husband! The economy is bad right now. But he should be spending his waking hours looking diligently for a job! When my husband has been laid off he literally spends hours each day either making phone calls or driving to job sites. Looking for work becomes his job!

I don't want to make you feel bad....but I just feel strongly about this. Maybe and I do mean maybe its like the enabler in any given bad habit. If you're willing to work.....he's more willing to let you. I'm not sure what you should do.....but as I said before, it just ain't right!

Praying for you....that God would give you wisdom.....ask Him for it, He promises He will give it! Love and Prayers, Beth

ps: I sincerely don't mean to sound harsh.....and maybe I'm so off base on this one, that if you read it and are offended....I will delete it. just pm me. I'll be gone most of today, so the mods have my permission to delete if Khix wants you to.....

[khix]

briarmama, yes, there are some temp agencies in the area....I totally forgot about those.  I know that dh worked for one several years ago, and he didn't like it, and said he wouldn't do it again....but maybe he has changed his mind since?  I will at least bring it up next time dh & I talk about this.

------------

Beth, I'm not offended.  I agree with what you said...and those thoughts have already been in my head several times! 

But.....I really think I'm where God wants me....it's only p/t and it's not much money.   I really don't think I'm being an enabler.  It's not like my job supports anything....it's only about $500/month!

But, with that said, there are definitely be issues with dh.........issues that I've been praying about ........ issues that I hope God will deal with soon...... Issues that I've cried over, prayed over, stressed over, yelled & nagged at dh over, issues that I just need to give to God  & just wait patiently for Him to work in dh's heart........So, just pray for my dh!  And me!

[Beth]

I will really try to pray for you as a I think about you! I know how you feel....sometimes it is just hard and you don't know what to do. Keep praying, asking for wisdom and just know that He gives it! Sometimes things get worse before they can get better.... Keep your eyes on the Lord, He'll show you the way.
Love, Beth

[Monita]

Praying for you Khix.......

Keep looking to the LORD for all your needs not so much on your probs. and decisions you have to make.  Give your worries to HIM moment by moment thought by thought.   Focus on your provider and praise HIM for all things!  Practice makes perfect!

Love,
Mona

[GarlicMomma]

Hi khix.  Was just thinking and praying about you.  How are things going?

[khix]

Thank you Monita & Garlicmomma.

Things are still the same.  I did call the land, trailer, & car people on Friday.  No one will give an extention or deferral...they all wanted a payment.  Well, after much prayer & a discussion with dh, I decided to make one payment on the land.  Even though we are so far behind, as long as we continue to make payments & showing we are trying to get caught up (an extra $10-20 each month), then it sounds like they won't foreclose.  If dh ever gets back to work (steady income), then they will consider a refinance.

Trailer people & car people will consider (just consider) a deferral IF we can come up with a payment by Friday.  Pray for this....because I don't see how we'll be able to come up with so much money by the 17th.  I will have enough money on the 14th to pay one month of one bill....either trailer, car, or electric (I kind of want to pay one month of electric since we owe 2 months on that, but I'm not sure yet....)...so I need prayer for wisdom on what to pay and what not to pay....and I need some money to fall out of the sky, lol!  I ask dh about this stuff....but first, he's tired of me talking about it, and second, he doesn't know the answer either...so it looks like I'm stuck trying to make these decisions myself.  Thankfully, though, God seems to give me a peace about something right at the last second! 

I will be going grocery shopping today....pray that my tiny budget will go far!

Also, pray that I will know how to answer/respond to my mom when she asks about dh & his lack of employment.  She keeps "lecturing" me about what dh should be doing, about how it's dh's role to provide, even it means "digging ditches" somewhere....I keep trying to not respond or change the subject or just say that God is taking care of us, that I'm trusting Him.  But, she keeps on & on & on....I don't want to lie & deny the desperate situation, but at the same time I don't want to paint dh in a bad light.  But, I fear I already have....it seems that even if I don't say anything, it causes her to think I'm hiding something & they (mom & dad) assume dh is basically a lazy bum.  Well, even if it's true that dh is not being the man/provider that he should be, I don't want to say that to my mom, nor do I want to give that impression....how do I avoid doing this?....and how do I reverse what's already been done?  (for example, a couple weeks ago, my mom gave me a decent job lead for my dh...I told dh about it  (and after all, I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink...all I can do is bring up things to dh...what he does with it after that is not in my hands!  Yes, I can lecture & nag & try to push him...but first, that's wrong, and second, that doesn't work with my dh!) ...dh didn't want to do that type of job & didn't even go apply, even though it would have been for a decent (not good, but decent) pay & they would have trained...dh didn't want the risk involved with the job...plus, I think there's a pride issue....taking advice from my mom, whom he dislikes, would be just "wrong" for him...anyway, my mom kept calling & asking me if dh applied...I kept saying "I don't know"...then, finally, I felt I had to give some kind of answer, and I just said "No, he didn't"....then of course comes the "Why?" question.  Again, at first, I acted like I didn't know why...then finally I said it's because of the risk involved....then I get a lecture about how all jobs have risks...and grandpa used to wash windows on high rise buildings, blah, blah, blah, and that I need to tell my dh all of this (as if I haven't already had that "conversation" with dh!)  Then of course, I tried to change the subject & just say that God has a plan & maybe this job is not in His plan, but already the damage is done.    So, what do i do?)

Oh, and I did bring up the temp agency idea to dh, but he shot that idea down.  But, don't give me any lectures about how dh "should" do this, lol!   

I think dh is just plain tired of working hard....    And maybe something spiritual is going on....I do hope/think that God is working....just how much longer will it be?

He says he wants to open a bicycle shop, work for himself....but there is no money or drive on his part to do this....I've been trying to support this idea for the last year, but this idea has cost us lots of money....he's either been buying cheap bikes & then buying tools/parts to fix them up & then trying to sell them (but nobody's buying!)...or he drives far to pick up free bikes, but gas is not cheap! 

And yes, I've had some blowups about this whole bike thing...    Not proud of it.... but also not sure how to support something that is taking money from us...money that we don't have!

Anyway, ladies, thank you for listening and praying. 

[denim&lace]

khix,
I don't have much time right now, but I just wanted to say that you are not responsible for what your parents see in your husband.  If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck... it's probably a duck.  Your parent's assessment is possibly correct, don't try to make your husband something he isn't.  Let his actions speak for who he is and let them think what they must.  In my opinion, you should just answer questions directly. 

"So, did ____ get a job yet?"
"No, he didn't.  Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Well, when's he going to get a job, it's his job to provide for you."
"That's something you'll have to take up with him.  Cream?  Sugar?"
"Why do you always defend him?"
"It's my job. (big smile!)" 

  I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I know it is tough.  My prayers are with  you. 

[ForeverGirl]

Dear Khix,

It always helps me to pinpoint or write down the things that I know to be true. These facts are probably true in your case:

It is true God doesn't want you to be stressed or casting about for answers. It is true that He can drop a ton of gold bullion on your front lawn if that is what you need. He can also keep you in a tight place if that is what you need. (believe me, I know. )

It is true that a husband's duty is to provide food, shelter/clothing, and duty of marriage for his wife. (Note: This may or may not mean electricity or transportation.) If he does not he has put her away and she is free to go.

It is true that worrying about when you are going to run out of the above things does not change or improve the situation.

It is true that it is your duty to obey him, honor him, and love him as long as he is your head.

It is true that it is not your duty to tell him how he should spend his money. (not saying you are doing this, I'm simply setting a stage...)

------------------------------------------------------------


So, I think, given the above true things... you can chill and wait and see what happens. Eat as long as you have food. Sleep under his roof and be grateful for it as long as it lasts. Enjoy your man as long as he is yours to enjoy.

When you no longer have a roof or food or duty of marriage by his provision, then you'll know that God has set you free and you can walk away and be satisfied in His perfect leading.

When your husband sees the peace in your spirit and that you are set on enjoying what you have today without fear of tomorrow, then he'll want to know why, and you can tell him. You have everything that constitutes biblical marriage today and you are satisfied in that. And if it doesn't last, then you won't have any regrets over having personally been at fault and you'll be free to walk away and live by faith with some other man.

Believe me, if you stop worrying and start living, then he'll either let go of you, or he'll get a job so he can keep you, probably the latter.

Yes, you may have to prove you mean it. Depending on your history, your DH may doubt your peace and smile and put you to the test. When you lose the house, you can leave him and wait a couple months (at a reserved distance) to see if he will get a job and provide a new place. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If he does get a job, then you can return to him on a new basis. He is the man. He is the provider. You don't have to do anything to make this a fact.

Oh, and it is also true that none of this is your mother's business, and it might improve the situation if your husband happened to overhear you telling her so. 

This comes with a hug and a smile and prayer. Saying-it-plain is the way I am. Believe me, I love you and I want to see you make it through this. There's only one way to do that... according to Scripture.

Praying always,

Beka

[amy3js]

Ditto what Beka said. All of it. Over and over again. Especially this:

"Believe me, if you stop worrying and start living, then he'll either let go of you, or he'll get a job so he can keep you, probably the latter."

I'll be praying for you khix. (I have been ;-)

[khix]

Thanks, D&L and Beka, especially for the advice about my mom.  I don't know why, but I always feel I owe all questions an answer/explanation.  Hopefully, next time we talk on the phone, dh will be there, & he'll hear me say, "Well, if that's what you think, take it up with him.  But, I happen to think that he's being a wonderful provider!"

Beka, sometimes I feel he has put me away....but I'm not sure....I feel I'm under the government's headship, because dh is still collecting unemployment....but dh feels that it's HIM whose bringing in this money.

But, even if dh has put me away, it is not my intent to use this as excuse to walk away.

Nor do I want to be "set free" should food, home, & duty be gone.... free to do what, go where??  Free to live in a shelter?  Free to be homeless?  It's not like there would be a line of men out my door, waiting to provide for me & my kids.

I will try to remain at peace & without worry....I just wonder how much longer will it be....

[ForeverGirl]

Dear Khix,

 I feel like I didn't mange to communicate what I was trying to say, so here goes again. Thanks for bearing with me...

Thanks, D&L and Beka, especially for the advice about my mom.  I don't know why, but I always feel I owe all questions an answer/explanation.  Hopefully, next time we talk on the phone, dh will be there, & he'll hear me say, "Well, if that's what you think, take it up with him.  But, I happen to think that he's being a wonderful provider!

This is not what I meant to recommend. Here is why: The second part of the above response (wonderful provider) is an invitation to your mom to argue with you. It is your opinion against your mom's. In fact, she will doubt that it is really your opinion.
 
 The truth is that IF/WHERE and WHEN YOUR DH GETS A JOB IS NONE OF YOUR MOTHER"S BUSINESS. In fact, I think I'd even venture to say that I believe it is none of your business either.  I believe it is your job to be a help meet for your man. This is a very practical set of things for you to DO. Cook, clean, care for children, have s*x, be busy doing things that help him. It does not include defending him to your mother, helping him find job, etc... Granted, sometimes it is hard to know (in the heat of the moment) what you are supposed to do/say. I have found that in these cases, the best thing to do is ask God to speak to me by His Spirit and give me wisdom so that I can obey Him perfectly in each situation.

Also, I would be willing to bet that your husband would rather hear you tell your mom that it's none of her business than hear you defend him to her. One is you insisting he really is a man. The other is you acting like he is.
If you'd like to say it "politely" you could phrase it something like, "I don't feel it is appropriate for me to discuss this with you. It isn't our business, nor is it anything we can change, so there isn't any point. If you'd like to talk to me, please talk about something else." 

Beka, sometimes I feel he has put me away....but I'm not sure....I feel I'm under the government's headship, because dh is still collecting unemployment....but dh feels that it's HIM whose bringing in this money.

Yeah, I can see what you mean and I think this is a legitimate point. However, it IS true that without HIS unemployment, there would be no income, right? I think your decision to make that money work is probably the better thing to do... SO:

But, even if dh has put me away, it is not my intent to use this as excuse to walk away.

Nor do I want to be "set free" should food, home, & duty be gone.... free to do what, go where??  Free to live in a shelter?  Free to be homeless?  It's not like there would be a line of men out my door, waiting to provide for me & my kids.

I will try to remain at peace & without worry....I just wonder how much longer will it be....

I am truly sorry that you are in this circumstance right now. It is no fun and not "okay." I do not want to sound like I do think it is fine and whatever... It is NOT okay and NOT cool.

However, please hear me... it seems to me that you may be waiting for God to come around and do what you want Him to do. It seems to me that you may (thus far) not be willing to find out what He wants, no matter what it is.

I've been praying about this for about an hour now, and honestly, I believe that you could be "stuck" in this situation because you are determined that God should do what you think is right.  What if Abraham had waited for God to do the right thing when he was told to sacrifice Isaac? What if Christ had called down angels to bare Him up instead of submitting Himself to the will of the Father?

 I think maybe God has you "pinned" and is going to hold you there until you cry "not my will, but yours be done."

How much longer will it be? 

God doesn't spank His kids until He gets over His irritation at them. He spanks them so that they will FOCUS on Him and hear what He's saying and obey Him. (At least, this my opinion, my understand of the Bible, and my personal experience.)

I have been "spanked" more than once lately myself and this is coming from my heart as well as my mind... lol. Please, Khix... listen to HIM. It's about you and Him.  Give Him room to speak. What He directs may not be within the  frame of your desires right now, but I can promise you that it will be perfect, satisfying and lovely if you trust and obey.

love,
Beka

PS: If I am totally wrong about you and your situation, please forgive me for being so bold. It is only my intention to see you perfected and blessed.

[khix]

OK, here's a question:

Why is it always me that God wants to change/grow/teach in these situations?  Why is it never dh?  Could it maybe, just maybe, be dh that is the one who needs to learn something this time around?

I'm not asking this because I'm not willing to grow or change or learn...I'm just wondering why.  It's my nature, I guess, to ask questions, to wonder why....I guess I'm just very analytical.

If God is trying to teach me something that I've haven't learned yet, is it my "fault" then that dh hasn't found or even applied for a job yet?  Maybe I'm in the way somehow?  ......I guess I'm just weary of always seemingly taking "responsibility" for any & all "situations."  .......it seems that whatever dh does or doesn't do, it's because of me....because I didn't respond correctly, because I'm not being the help meet I should be, because I nagged, because I cried & yelled, because, because, because.... dh can only do something good & right, if I first am good & right & godly.  I KNOW this isn't true, but it's the way it feels sometimes!

Again, I'm NOT saying that I'm not willing to do what I'm supposed to do....I'm just asking questions!

....It's one thing to say you completely trust God & that you've put it in His hands....it's another thing to actually look at your bills & look at your bank account, and wonder how it's all going to get done....month after month after month....it gets wearisome after a while.

:::Sigh:::  I guess I thought I had learned something significant last summer when dh first lost his job.  I learned to completely trust in God...I learned that God is our only Provider...I learned that He is all I need...I had such peace....I wasn't worried...but maybe I've forgotten some of it over this past year?   I don't know...

About my mom, I see what you're saying now.  Wow...none of her business...that's a concept that would definitely be foreign to her, lol!  I guess to me, too.  Even though I always felt that it's really none of her business, I still always felt that it would be rude or wrong of me to not answer her questions. 

So, none of my business either?  That's going to be tough for me too....if I'm the one paying the bills, how do I make his job hunt and/or job (or lack of) none of my business?

Which brings me to my practical tasks -- does my job include being in charge of bill paying & the budget?  I'd like for him to take over (I guess ignorance is bliss...if I don't see it,  maybe I wouldn't worry about it so much, lol), but he wants to handle it because I'm the one who's smart, good with math, organized, etc.

Please, everyone, please keep praying - for me to learn whatever it is I need to learn, for dh to find a job, and for provision, wisdom, strength, godly attitudes, godly responses, etc.

Beka, what are your thoughts on allowances?  (for dh)

And Beka, if I'm the one paying the bills & doing the budget, and dh goes & spends money we don't have, how do I respond??  How do I make it none of my business if it's right in front of me?

Thanks for your help & prayers!

[~esposita~]

Wow, khix.  I've been following this and feeling for you.  I don't have much insight but I'll just tell you what I have done in relation to this:

Which brings me to my practical tasks -- does my job include being in charge of bill paying & the budget?  I'd like for him to take over (I guess ignorance is bliss...if I don't see it,  maybe I wouldn't worry about it so much, lol), but he wants to handle it because I'm the one who's smart, good with math, organized, etc.

In our home, I am the better one at math.  I am/would be very adept at budgeting out money, allotting it to specific things, etc.  Early in our marriage (and a couple of times since then) I was the one who payed the bills, balanced the check book, etc.  I also was the one that was stressed out, anxious, and not at peace.  One time, DH was the one who said, "Look, this isn't something that you need to handle.  You are not handling it well; I'll take over."  So he did - and he did things SO differently than I would have! 

Later, we moved.  He started a different job and was busy, busy, busy!  I took over the bills because he just didn't have the time or the energy.  Well, you can guess what happened to my peace:  out the window.  I wanted him to do things MY way... and he can't.  He doesn't think like me!  So he took it over again.

3 years later, we moved again.  Again, with the shift of jobs and responsibilities I took over the bill paying.  Now, understand, DH has no problem with me taking care of them!  I think he would prefer it as I have a good 'math mind.'  However, what it does to my heart is bad, bad, bad!  This time, I saw myself falling out from under his cover and I came to him and said, "Listen, I would love to do this for you.  You know I've tried.  I just can't.  It makes me anxious, fills me with a lack of trust, and I fall to pieces.  I need you to do this for me.  I trust you to handle it."  He gladly took over the bill paying again - but wanted to know why I had taken it up again in the first place!  Why had I?  Yes, I wanted to help... but I become weak in my trust of my husband when I have that responsibility.  Knowing and acknowledging my weakness, and asking him to become strong for me is my answer.  For a long time I didn't even inquire about our bank account balance.  I always have 100% access to everything, but I knew that I couldn't look over his shoulder without worrying and fretting.  I asked him for a budget for groceries and house-hold item - he didn't give me a number, just an idea.  (I try to stay under that.)  There are times when I can look at the bank account balance and I can look at the bills; there are other times that I just know that I need to hand the unopened envelopes to my husband without peeking.  I need to let him take care of it. 

At this point, when the bills arrive I let him know.  If I see them sitting on the desk at the end of the month, I'll remind him that they need to be paid.  There are times that he opens them, looks them over, then asks me to fill out the checks and get them in the mail because he has to leave for work and they need to be out asap.  I can do that... but only as a secretary.  The responsibility is his, and he has taken it.  Even now when things are tight, I can have peace.

So no.  I don't think it is your job to be in charge of the bills and stuff.  I would encourage you to present to you husband that you can not handle that job emotionally.  Yes, you may have the better mind, but you don't like what it does to your relationship with him - it causes you to have a lack of trust; it causes you to fret.  Tell him you DO trust that he can do it and therefore you are turning over the responsibility to him so that you can more easily walk in that trust.  When the bills come, hand them to him unopened; maybe set up a nice, clean spot at the desk for him to work out the details.  Get a book of stamps, a box of envelopes (if needed) and a calendar that can be hung in plain view.  Does he have a computer?  A 'smart phone'?  Put into the calendar program a reminder to pay the bills... so that you don't have to give it to him verbally. 

These are just suggestions, but I hope they help somewhat - if nothing more than to give you a different perspective. 

Now, in response to this: 

Why is it always me that God wants to change/grow/teach in these situations?  Why is it never dh?  Could it maybe, just maybe, be dh that is the one who needs to learn something this time around?

i'm going to try and give you a gentle correction.  You are right:  God does want to change/grow/teach YOU.  But your lesson is yours.  You said "Why is it never dh?" (that God wants to change)  You are wrong:  God also wants to change/grow/teach your DH, but his lessons are far different than yours... and those lessons are NOT your responsibility.  God is VERY concerned with your husband, much more than you are. 

Khix, we ALL need to learn something... but often we concern ourselves with what those around us ought to be learning.  What Beka said is good:

Please, Khix... listen to HIM. It's about you and Him.  Give Him room to speak. What He directs may not be within the  frame of your desires right now, but I can promise you that it will be perfect, satisfying and lovely if you trust and obey.

Its about you and Him - not your dh.  Let God deal with your dh.  Find out what GOD wants YOU to do in relation to dh... not what is 'norm', not what is 'reasonable', not what is 'expected', not what is 'logical.'  God's kingdom is SO different than ours!  In order to gain our life... we need to loose it, to let it go.  When we try to cling to our life/security, hold on to it, keep from letting it go... then it flies out the window and we are lost in unrest and confusion.

I will pray for you!

[amy3js]

I spent so much time trying to make a post earlier, and it just wasn't coming out right. So I deleted it. But then I read esposita's post. That is exactly what I wanted to say. We have run the same scenario as esposita and her husband and I completely agree with everything she had to say.  What a great post and great advice!

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